• Imr_t_britney-spears-bald-T’S a very fine line between being a crazy fool and bloody unlucky, so thankfully doctors in Brazil were able to successfully remove a six-inch fishing spear from the brain of a man who fired it at himself while diving off the coast of Rio.
Emerson de Oliveira Abreu fired the spear, which ricocheted off rocks and penetrated his own head so deeply that only the tip was showing. Local media initially reported he was accidentally shot by a friend, as they thought what actually happened was completely implausible. Idiots.
It took surgeons five hours to remove the spear, which entered above the eye and missed the most critical areas of his brain.
The surgeon said Mr Abreu was doing well and unlikely to suffer lasting damage. “It’s a miracle,” said his father, Edilson.
It’s not the first time we’ve seen Spears mess with someone’s own head before making a miraculous recovery, is it Britney?

• IF you are a law-abiding citizen with a relaxed attitude to your sexuality, it’s probably in your best interests to avoid Michigan as the fun police and actual police are one and the same.
Unbelieveably, a completely victimless crime involving a man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum led to a 90 day prison sentence. What is the world coming to?
Jason Leroy Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure after a resident reported ‘suspicious activity’ at a car wash near Detroit. If you get imprisoned for suspicious activity with your own genitals, expect next week’s issue to be written from behind bars.

mr_t_rocket-launchNOW we all know that it is in the genetical make-up of old women to nag something chronic and many a relationship has been scuppered by an interfering mother-in-law, but on reflection Bosnian Miroslav Miljici may think he over-reacted a bit to a few snide comments about his laziness, selfishness, drunkenness or some other so-called ‘crime’.
Claiming the she-devil had convinced his wife to leave him, the desperate husband tried to kill his mother-in-law with an anti-tank missile launcher. A little bit OTT do you reckon?
Well not according to mad Miroslav. When the old bint survived the rocket attack, he tried to finish her off with a machine gun.
Amazingly, the lucky lady survived both attacks with barely a scratch, and even more amazingly proved to be a flawless judge of character. But it is suprising Miljici was jailed for six years for attempted murder as his defence was that he could no longer take her nagging. Surely it’s got to be taken into account.

mr_t_drink-drive DRINK driving is a selfish and despicable thing to do, and those who risk the lives of innocents deserve everything coming to them. Still, having said that, we can’t help feeling a tinge of sympathy for an American man arrested and charged with drink driving after he crashed a motorised bar stool.
The 28-year-old invented and created the bar stool which can reach speeds of 38mph, but was left wishing he had a bar to hold him up after rolling the Frankenstein-esque lawnmower/bar stool combo on his way home from the pub in Newark, Ohio.
The five-horsepower engine was carrying him at about 20 mph when he crashed it. He then admitted drinking about 15 beers when interviewed by police at hospital – but after the accident.
“I was riding bar stool and I wrecked. I wasn’t drinking when I wrecked, I drank afterwards because my head hurt,” he said.
The man was issued a citation for operating a vehicle while intoxicated and driving under suspension. Nevertheless, the cocky chancer has pleaded not guilty at an initial hearing.
We wish we could be in court to hear this dickhead’s defence, but his excuses can’t be worse than those used by this bloke …

• A POLISH MP who failed a drink-driving test claimed it was because he had eaten too many apples.
Marek Latas denied having drunk alcohol when he was pulled up, and when asked why a test showed 0.7 units of alcohol in his blood, said: mr_t_scissors“I’m diabetic, I ate a few apples before driving.”
Despite the legal limit being 0.2, Latas, of the opposition Law and Justice Party, added: “I have been involved in no accident, I underwent a routine roadside check. I was confident there was no chance I had alcohol in my blood.”
The prosecutor’s office is investigating. Unless the prosecutor is in the Law and Justice Party we don’t hold much hope, Marek.

• PICTURE this fairly common scene, you are using a pair of scissors as a toothpick when someone suddenly makes you laugh and you end up swallowing the bloody things.
Happens to people all the time, right? What do you mean no?
For people who have been known to – and been renumerated for our ability to – swallow anything it doesn’t sound all that unusual to us but there was consternation in Putian, China, when Mr Lin, 27, was rushed to hospital to have them removed.
“He gave a big laugh on hearing a joke from a friend, and unexpectedly the scissors slipped inside his throat,” his wife said.
The man tried to cough the scissors back up again but that only made the situation worse. X-rays showed the 9cm long and 4cm wide scissors had fully entered Lin’s oesophagus.
Dr Chen Wei said: “When he came in, his face was twisted, pale, and sweating. The patient was having difficulty swallowing, and blood was mixed with his saliva.”
Doctors eventually removed the scissors with forceps. These surgeons were a cut above the rest and their prices were a snip.