ONE of the most annoying of all sporting cliches is calling an unsurprising and completely conceivable event a ‘fairytale’ – but for Jensen Button to describe his Australian Grand Prix win in such a manner is properly fairly close to the truth.
Until a few weeks ago Brawn GP did not exist, but around Albert Park they scored a remarkable one-two finish to open the new F1 season in the most dramatic of circumstances.
It was the first time since 1954 that a team on debut has taken the top two places.
Put into greater context, Button’s second ever victory saw him score more points in one race than he managed in his previous 35 over two years with Honda Racing.
The fact team-mate Rubens Barrichello joined him on the podium was a feat in itself as the Brazilian was involved in a first-corner melee that led to him damaging his front wing.
“We’ve worked very hard for this, so thank you very much to the team because it has been a traumatic few months for all of us,” said the foppish ponce.
“I can’t put it out there how tough it has been, so thanks again to the team, but also to my family for being so strong as it has been difficult.”
Jenson’s definition of the word tough may be slightly different to ours. He still drives in F1. He is still paid more than £3 million a year. He is still nailing underwear model Jessica Michibata. He still has mansions in three countries.
Actually you’re rightI. It’s just like working down the pits, isn’t it JB.
• 
AFTER going two entire tournaments without a victory, feline phenom Tiger Woods returned to winning ways by overcoming a five-shot deficit to beat Sean O’Hair with a nerveless 16ft putt on the final hole of the Arnold Palmer Invitational. It was about time he bucked his ideas up.
The defending champion secured his sixth title at Bay Hill to prove he is showing no ill effects from knee surgery, and is now overwhelming favourite to win next week’s US Masters at Augusta.
“It feels good,” Tiger said afterwards. “It feels really good to be back in contention and feel the rush. It’s been a while.”
Looks like golf is going to be completely predictable for the forseeable future. We are going to have to start following Aussie sport instead. Actually things haven’t got that bad yet.
• GOLF tournaments are like London buses for Dane Soren Kjeldsen – and no we’re not saying they are full of drugged up weirdos or are likely to explode – as after just one win in his first 309 European Tour events, he made it two in his last nine in Seville.
Four months after capturing the Volvo Masters, the diminutive 33-year-old returned to Spain and triumphed in the Andalucian Open by three strokes from Scottish bottler David Drysdale.
Kjeldsen, who won despite three-putting the last for bogey, picked up £156,000 and now heads to Augusta for his Masters debut at his highest-ever position in the world – just outside the top 40.
He qualified for Augusta by finishing last year 50th in the world rankings – by one-hundredth of a point. Amazingly, unlike our mate Jenson he never mentioned anything about how tough his life is.
Colin Montgomerie, second after his opening 67, finished his 500th Tour event as a professional down in 31st spot and unhappy about the number of mental mistakes he made. Now there is one miserable twat who wouldn’t have passed up the opportunity to moan.
• FOR any over privileged, daddy pilfering, toffee nosed, plum mouthed, sore arsed public school ponces out there, Oxford University stormed to victory in the 155th Boat Race. We were far too disinterested to find out who they beat.
LEGENDS LIVE
AS a five-foot-seven-inch asthma sufferer with offensively ginger hair, he should by rights be a very unhappy man – but Paul Scholes’ life is almost certainly better than yours.
The most criminally under-rated and under-valued player in football history has been a consistent, technically outstanding creator and scorer since his debut 15 years ago.
The bare facts are startling but even they don’t do him justice: eight league titles, three FA Cups, two league cups and two Champions League winners medals adorn his mantlepiece.
With 141 goals in 596 games he has been an invaluable asset to United’s quest for silverware.
With 66 caps and 14 goals, Scholes did have a fine England career before prematurely retiring, but any other country would have surely built their team around him.
Luckily those in the know don’t give a toss about how many aftershaves or Lamboughinis he has and concentrate on the masterclasses Scholes seems to produce on a weekly basis.
Just ask Marcello Lippi about the ginger gem: “Scholes would have been one of my first choices for putting together a great team. He’d have been one of the first players I’d have bought, given the chance.”
The no nonsense limelight-avoiding lifelong Oldham fan names his favourite player as Latics favourite Frankie Bunn.
Loyal, shy, honest – a true class act. Just don’t ask him to tackle.
