“Love me like you do, la-la-love me like you do, touch me like you do, ta-ta-touch me like you do,” warbled Ellie Goulding on the theme tune to the first Fifty Shades of Grey movie. “What are you waiting foooor?”
Well, to answer your question Ellie, it looks like we’re waiting for a doctor in the emergency department after a surge in the number of genital-related mishaps since the launch of the popular series of female fapping novels by E.L. James.
London’s firefighters have had to use bolt cutters to free 23 amorous men with rings stuck on their manhoods and 102 men and women stuck in handcuffs or chained to the bed since the books appeared five years ago. It’s not known how many people have been made sick by the cheesy dialogue.
“Our advice is simple,” warned the firefighters’ director of operations Dave Brown. “If the ring doesn’t fit, don’t force it on.”