Our resident agony aunt-come-psychic is back to advise all you snivelling losers on your problems from shacking up and getting jiggy with farmyard animals to your latest unexplained pimple on your bollock.
I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for six years now and I’m starting to worry that maybe our relationship is going stale. I still love her more than anything but recently she’s been more and more distant. Last week, it was my 25th birthday and all she got me was a set of handkerchiefs with my initials embroidered. Is it wrong to think I should be getting something a bit better than some hankies? I don’t want to upset her, but I’m worried that we’re becoming a bit too staid and boring. Am I worrying over nothing?
A set of handkerchiefs embroidered with your initials seems innocuous enough… but what does that monogram in the corner really signify? Letters on a handkerchief are an absolute giveaway that letters play a big part in your girlfriend’s life. It’s certain that she’s cheating on you right under your nose – with the postman! That’s right, while you’re hard at work, she’s getting a delivery of first class male every morning… on the kitchen table!
Real meaning: I’m fucking the postie every day.
I met the girl of my dreams just over a year ago and, on our anniversary, we went out for a gorgeous meal overlooking Sydney Harbour. That night we had the most sensational sex imaginable. In the morning, I gave her diamond earrings as an anniversary surprise but, little did I know, she’d hand-knitted me a gorgeous winter jumper. We laughed and laughed and laughed. I couldn’t be happier, but I’m just worried everything is too perfect and something is going to go wrong. Am I being silly?
A smart new jumper always makes a smashing present. And when it’s knitted by your girlfriend, surely it must be a special token of her love. But you’d be wrong, because it actually represents a tangled web of deceit that she has been deftly weaving around you for 12 months. She is almost certainly a bigamist, with a second husband and family living in another house on the other side of town. Don’t let her pull the wool over your eyes any longer. Call the police immediately and let them know what she’s been up to.
Real meaning: I’m married to someone else.