Crystal’s been playing with her old balls again to bring you the latest predictions of the things to happen in May. So check out your horoscope here…

Cancer
Poor old Cancer. Later this month, you catch man flu and spend the week in your bedroom watching The Love Boat and crying out to your flat mates to bring you Lemsips. Unfortunately, a combination of hot lemon-based drinks and an inability to leave your bed means you spend the next few days soaked in urine. Ugh. On the plus side, even the cockroaches can’t stand the horrible reek of your room and migrate next door. Winning!

Taurus
It is your birthday. Collect $10 from each player.

Leo
My crystal ball is being mysterious and vague. I’m getting a cryptic message from the spirit world. It says your name is Leo and you dance upon the sand. Just like that river twisting through a dusty land. Mysterious.

Libra
“Girls, Girls, Girls!” once roared greasy rockers Motley Crue in their debauched heyday. Fun times, fun times. But if adverts about car insurance have taught us anything, it’s that the world is all about balance. So for those of us who don’t claim on our insurance, there’s someone out there who regularly claims. Like George Michael for example. And just as Motley Crue banged their way through the entire cast of Baywatch and generally bathed in a sea of fornication for the whole of the early 90s, the ancient law of yin yang says that someone must go on a record-breaking shag drought to make up for it. That person is you. No more sex for you pal. For life. Don’t like it? Take it up with the universe.

Sagittarius
It’s time for your annual bath monkey boy. And make sure to wash your bell end, it smell’s like a cheesemonger’s old glove. And that could well be some kind of fungus on the end. You might need to see a doctor about that.

Virgo
You are visited by the spirits of three ghosts this week. The ghost of Christmas past, the ghost of Jade Goody and the ghost of former Everton midfielder Pat Nevin. We’re not sure how he got in there as he’s not even dead, but he’s great crack nonetheless.

Pisces
Your sordid love affair with Ken Barlow from Coronation Street comes crashing down this week when Dierdre walks in on the two of you in bed. She bursts into tears at the sight, throwing a piece of paper onto the duvet before running away in horror. As Ken chases after her, his cock flapping about all over the place, you read the note Dierdre has left. It’s a letter from social security. Turns out Ken is your real father! How will Sally and Kevin take the news? Find out next month!

Gemini
You’ve been a bit boring in recent weeks Gemini and your character is at risk of going stale. As a result the executive producers of “The Zodiac” have decided to come up with a few juicy plotlines for you to keep people interested. Some of the phrases being thrown around include “bi-curious love triangle that ends in tragedy”, “affair with Pete Beale” and “secret hermaphrodite”. Watch this space!

Scorpio
After watching The Avengers you decide to form a team of super heroes to fight crime. Your super hero team – The Rainbow Brigade – is basically just you and your mate Dave dressing up in fancy hero costumes to try and impress girls. Unfortunately, walking around Oxford Street dressed in latex with the words ‘rainbow brigade’ etched onto your clothes makes you very popular with a very different kind of crowd. At least the latex makes the sperm easy to wipe off.

Aquarius
Sorry Aquarius, my crystal ball is getting a crap reception for you this week. On the plus side, I’m getting a cracking look at the FA Cup final. What a thriller!

Capricorn
Armed with only a roll of duct tape and a Swiss Army knife, super resourceful secret agent Angus Macgyver can get himself out of any sticky situation by using brains over brawn. Stars Richard Dean Anderson.

Aries
You’re bitten by a bat and turn into a dracula. Your wife is the bride of Frankenstein and your offspring will be skellingtons. Eep!