WTF Crystal Balls Horoscopes
WTF Crystal Balls Horoscopes. BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…
SCORPIO
You become possessed by the soul of racially insensitive 80s comedian Bernard Manning and spend the week telling jokes about how fat your mother-in-law is and how these so-called alternative comedians just aren’t funny. His spirit finally leaves your body when he realises you live next door to an Indian family.
SAGITTARIUS
After getting drunk one night, you break into Taronga Zoo and fall into the Orang-utan enclosure. As one of the majestic beasts lumbers towards you, you fear you will be torn limb from limb, yet to your amazement the creature extends a hand and introduces itself as former flavour-of-the-month pop star La Roux. Apparently she fell into the pit some time ago and was immediately mistaken for one of the great simians due to her inherent gingerness. You listen entranced by her amazing tale, and as the night draws on you become closer and closer until, before you know it, you’re making mad passionate love with the Bulletproof hit maker.
You wake in the morning to the sound of angry zookeepers shouting at you and prodding you with a broom handle. Turns out it wasn’t La Roux at all, you were just really pissed and shagged a monkey.
AQUARIUS
While watching an NRL game on TV, you think it’s a bit in bad taste that the camera keeps focusing on a humorously obese Rabbitohs fan. Then you realise it’s Russell Crowe.
ARIES
After 57 and 17 hours, you set a new world record for putting off washing your clothes. The secret to your success? A deep lack of self-worth and a poor sense of smell. It sits well with your 35-day world record for scraping the remnants out of an empty shampoo bottle to wash your hair.
CANCER
You officially become the bully of the zodiac after pissing into Aquarius’ water jug thing and then dunking Capricorn’s head in it. You then develop your trademark “bully” catchphrase of: “Get ready to change your birthday to sometime between February 19th and March 12th – because I’m going to tear you into Pisces!”
PISCES
During a trip to the doctors, your worst fears are confirmed – you are slowly turning into Nicholas Cage. Unfortunately the process is irreversible. It starts with a series of poor career choices, then your hair starts thinning rapidly, and in the final stages your accent becomes so unintelligible it’s like you’re permanently doing a bad Richard Nixon impression. By that stage, euthanasia is the kindest option.
GEMINI
Sometimes it feels as if you’re living in one of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books from when you were a kid. Turn to p32 if you agree, turn to page 237 if you disagree or turn to p141 if you decide to attack the goblin with an axe.
LEO
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CAPRICORN
You wake up in a strange room with no memory of who you are or how you got there. Within seconds an armed man enters the room and tries to shoot you. A struggle ensues and using martial arts moves you didn’t realise you even knew, you break his neck. Still confused and bewildered, you take the gun and set off on a mission to find out who you are and why a man would want you dead.
Over the next few days, you are forced to kill or dispatch several more would-be assassins before finally being tipped off about a man in London who might know about your mysterious past. When you track him down, you press a gun against his head and demand answers. To your horror, he explains you were once part of a musical group known as S Club Juniors, a pop group so bad that people regularly tried to maim or kill the band members once they grew up. Things got so bad you were forced to learn martial arts to defend yourself.
At your lowest ebb, you asked for this man’s services as a hypnotist to wipe your memory so you could start a new life. As his words sink in, you realise you have only one option – and decide to blow your own brains out.
LIBRA
You spend a good 20 minutes laughing through an episode of Wonderland before you realise the plot lines are supposed to be serious.
TAURUS
You are “shocked” out of a particularly aggressive bout of hiccups when you catch a glimpse of Courtney Cox’s plastic face in Cougar Town.
VIRGO
Boom. Take that you Nazi bastards! Sorry, I was just watching a film and got carried away.
Well seriously WTF Crystal thanks for another unsolicited random psychic reading.
WTF Crystal Balls Horoscopes
