Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-come-psychic knows best when it comes to problems …

Dear Crystal,
Do you know Mick Fleetwood from Fleetwood Mac? I was stood next to him at a urinal last week and noticed he had what looked suspiciously like a tattoo of your face about an inch to the right of his cock. Care to shed any light?

Yours,
Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,
Bugger, he’s not back in the country is he? It’s a long story, but the man’s obsessed with me. We had a quick backstage shag after a gig in the 70s and he’s been looking for an encore ever since. Stevie Nicks has never forgiven me for that – although that’s mainly because she indirectly caught syphilis as a result. I know Mick got the tattoo after a competition with Mick Jagger to see who loved me the most. Idiots. That honour goes to former Liverpool goal machine Ian Rush.

Dear Crystal,
I only recently found out that Tony Abbott once thought he had an illegitimate son from his younger days, but then found out years later it wasn’t his. Is it true you were the mother?

Yours,
Nessa

Dear Nessa,
Bloody hell is everyone obsessed with my love life this month? Nosey bugger. Well I can’t say I blame you, the things I’ve got up to would Samantha from Sex and the City blush. Well the answer to your question is yes, I was that mother. Tony banged me after one of his ironman events, although there was nothing iron about his performance in the sack if you know what I mean. His performance in the bedroom was about as convincing as his arguments against climate change – and just as limp.

Anyway, he shot his load in me like a coal trawler dumping a load of silt onto the Great Barrier Reef and that was that. Or so I thought. When I found out I was up the duff I didn’t want to get back in touch with that dud root so I didn’t mention it. When I heard he was doing all right for himself though, I decided to chase him up for a few bob. He kept to his word too, and took my lad in just as a proper father.

But then I found it was actually Peter Beardsley’s son and that was the end of that. It broke Ian Rush’s heart when he found out. I don’t think he’s spoken to Peter since. As it happens, you can read all about Mick Fleetwood, Tony Abbott, The Ultimate Warrior, Jimmy Hill, the dad from Seventh Heaven, Bert Newton and all my other many lovers in my new autobiography: “Balls Out: The Uncensored Crystal Balls Story”, out now in all good book stores.