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Aries

WHAT a night out! Dancing, singing and chatting up lads for free grog.

Oh it was a right laugh wasn’t it… however, the joke is on you. Waking up in the morning to hear stories of you climbing into bed with another random girl.

You reassured her she’d be safe as you took a good feel, thinking it was your boyfriend.

Taurus

COME hell or high water you will make sure you spoil the party by telling everyone your pathetic jokes and claiming you were a fighter pilot – even though you only have one eye.

Stop making comments about the size of your dick. Everyone knows you have a baldy half incher – your supposed mate took a picture of it when you were asleep.

Gemini

YOUR girlfriend is cheating on you and everyone knows it – because everyone has had a go bashing the be’jesus out of her pretty derriere.

Even her boss was caught pummeling her on her varnished mahogany work desk.

Cancer

YOU’RE reading this hoping for some sort of insightful guidance, aren’t you?

This is your problem – you are a hesitant, indecisive wreck.

It shouldn’t take 15 minutes to decide which flavour of noodles to buy, just take the plunge.

This week you’ll wake up and realise you are a big waste of space who has never really been much use for anything.

You didn’t need to come to Australia to learn that, your mother used to tell you that everyday back home.

Leo

FIRST you were going to lose the weight before you arrived in Australia, then you were going to lose the weight when you arrived, now you are saying you are comfortable in your weight.

You’re digging your grave with a knife and fork.

Virgo

SMOKING a joint or two is a nice way to spend an evening (allegedly) but do you really have to build bongs and pipes and other weird contraptions to smoke the stuff.

Bad things are going to happen if you carry on. Getting the munchies isn’t an excuse to eat someone else’s food either.

Libra

WHERE did it all go wrong? You are living next to the beach with a gorgeous girl and doing your dream job. So smile you miserable bastard, count your blessings.

But did you ever think of reading a book? Playboy and Razzle don’t count.

Doing nothing but vegging out and watching pap like Grey’s Anatomy or any of the 101 search and rescue shows that habitually pollute the Australian airwaves is making your pub conversation rather tiresome.

Scorpio

PLUTO is coming into close contact with Mars which means only one thing for you: humping. And lots of it.

Make sure you keep taking the energy supplements because you’re going to be doing more shagging than the local tomcat.

Sagittarius

STARS in the sky, stars in the magazine. The universe is nothing to you if you can’t find your way out of a own bedroom to take a piss.

It seemed hilarious at the time heading for a few cheap schooners, but now you find yourself staggering home and crawling into bed, sleep walking a couple of hours later and walking into the walls and wardrobe.

There’s no way out, so you start to leak all over the floor. No it’s not a dream.

Capricorn

YOU may think it’s a good idea to put a picture of you oiling your naked torso onto a seedy website in the hope of riding some minging bored housewife.

However, if these pictures were to fall into the wrong hands, your mates would ensure you never have sex again, not to mention the fact that you could never show your face at the work place or parents’ house.

Aquarius

HAVE you ever wondered what the point of it all is?

I mean, sometimes life seems meaningless to the point where getting through the day seems to be a chore.

Well cheer up you miserable twunt. There are people in the world starving, don’t you know.

Pisces

YOUR hypochondriac whinging is becoming tedious to friends, family and the local GP.

Yes he is paid to make sick people better but why don’t you stop to think that your dodgy guts and headache might be down to your prodigious intake of Guinness and vindaloos.

Give the guy a break, some people are really sick – like the bloke you knocked out with the pungent aroma of one of your farts.