Dear Crystal

I AM a closet redhead who dyes her hair, but I’ve got a major problem. I’ve started seeing this guy and it has been getting pretty serious.


Very soon I can see us consummating this relationship and I’m worried he might be put off when he sees the collar doesn’t match the cuffs. I’m sure he’s not that superficial but I can’t help it nagging me. Do you think I’m being silly?

Mary, Cornwall


Dear Mary,

EEUUURRRGGGHHH, a fanta pants writing to me! Get back, I don’t want any of your ginger gash germs!


If I was you I’d be dousing myself in agent orange, or whatever it takes to get rid of your affliction. Failing that just try and make the room as dark as possible and hope to God that your carrot crop doesn’t glow.



Dear Crystal,

RECENTLY we all went out for a heavy session of boozing and made our way to a local club. They were having some student style dirty games on stage with free drink for the winners.


The game I was signed up for involved having a girl sit on my lap and the pair of us bouncing up and down on a foot pump to try and blow up a balloon. The girl I chose had too much vodka.


She got far too excited as we grinded and ended up pissing herself in front of hundreds of clubbers and leaving me soaked in urine. Now I can’t show my face in public.


My pals won’t stop taking the piss (no pun intended) and my bird dumped me out of shame.


What do I do?

James, Wollongong



Dear James,

LET’S look at the positives, at least she didn’t drop a steaming  turd on you. That’s one good thing. You’re still in control of all your bodily functions, which is clearly more than can be said for some.


As for your girlfriend, if she is going to let a bit of water-sports action come between you then clearly it wasn’t meant to be.


As always, time is a healer and people soon forget. If not, then I guess you’re just going to have to get used to be being called “that bloke that bird pissed on in that club that time.”


It’s probably better than your previous title of “that bloke caught fiddling with the sheep.”