Aries
YOUR boyfriend may have promised to be faithful whilst you are away in Australia but I’m staring into his quivering crystal balls as I type your stars. In all honesty I’m not the first, he’s already pulled half your home town.
He’s going to continue sleeping around and so should you.
My advice is for you to head out tonight and pick up the first guy you see. That’ll teach him.
There’s an Irish barman on King Street who’s a great shag. Just ask for D4 or Skittles and tell them Crystal sent you. He’ll sort you out with the knowledgeable use of his pump.
Taurus
WHO exactly do you think you are, stealing your best mate’s girlfriend?
They were more than happy before you stuck your big nose in and now they are both completely miserable.
Surprise, surprise you were in there to pick up the pieces and now you’ve sneakily slipped into his place and her face.
Oh, you think he doesn’t know what you’ve been up to behind his back?
When you think you’re having a sneaky shag, he’s watching you with eagle eyes and extra powerful night vision goggles.
Listen out for the rustling of Kleenex tissues – that’ll be him. He now wishes he was you and has even copied your bull-in-a-china-shop technique. Be afraid.
Gemini
BEING unemployed is not down to bad luck. It’s due to being a tosser.
Sleeping in until two in the afternoon, refusing to shower and dressing like a hobo on washday is not the way to impress an employer.
Cancer
MAYBE it’s time to finally take the plunge and catch a flight back to mediocrity.
You’re not exactly making the best use of your time out here, are you?
You’ve blown all your cash, developed an alcohol dependency and traded in your high flying city job to become a dishwasher.
Leo
I HATE Leos. You think you’re so special but what have you really achieved? Nothing.
You are full of your own bullshit and to be honest it makes me sick. I’m tired of you telling me how great you are. I know the truth. You’re lucky I wasn’t more harsh, you little bitches/bastards.
Virgo
I’VE heard of people burning the candles at both ends, but with the amount of afternoon drinking you’re doing it looks like you’re trying to light it in the middle as well.
You may think you are Keith Richards, but the only resemblance is that you both look like shit.
Libra
YOU have a job you like, you finally found a girl stupid enough to go out with you and you’ve got plenty of cash in the bank. In fact things are so good that they couldn’t possibly get any better – and they won’t.
Make the most of it before your world comes tumbling down as per usual.
Scorpio
WHATEVER happened to the stunning physique you had before you left home?
You had the best figure of anyone you knew and were beating the lads off with a stick. Now, if we’re honest you are a grade one heifer.
Too many nights drinking have ruined you and it’s time to head for the gym.
Sagittarius
NOBODY likes a thief and in turn nobody likes you.
If you want to borrow something just ask. Stealing your housemate’s stuff and then denying all knowledge will only get you into trouble.
He knows it’s you so it’s best to give up the ghost now.
Capricorn
THERE are more sensible ways of staying in Australia than marrying a hooker you met in Kings Cross.
Spend a few months working on a farm or picking fruit.
Tying the knot with some skag-dependent whore should not be an option.
Aquarius
HAVING two cars in the garage is great but just make sure there is some food in the fridge too.
It’s OK claiming to get paid far too much and trying to be as flash as your average blinged up American rap star, but it only works if you actually have the dollars to back it up.
Pisces
JUST because you’ve got a bit of the sniffles doesn’t mean you’ve got full blown AIDS.
When you start looking like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia then people will worry about you, but until then man-up.
Drop a few aspirin and learn to deal with it like someone who isn’t a two-year-old or female.
