From a young age we’re told that honesty is the best policy, that it’s always best to come clean if you’ve been lying about something important to those who love you.?Then again, is having a guilty conscience worse than the consequences of telling your girlfriend it was you who spunked in her mum’s knicker drawer? It’s a difficult question – but one which Val Patterson from Utah has found the answer to.
Patterson confessed to a number of crimes and sins last month yet escaped any negative consequences. How? By dying. Cunning. Very cunning.?
The 59-year-old cancer victim wrote his own obituary, which went in the local paper shortly after his death. In it, he admitted to things like lying about having a PhD, stealing a safe from a hotel and being banned from SeaWorld and Disneyland.
The obituary read: “I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the University of Utah, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters ‘PhD’ even stood for.”
Patterson also confessed he stole a safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in 1971 and that he’d vandalised a park ranger’s hot spring. He added: “Now to that really mean park ranger; after all, it was me that rolled those rocks into your geyser and ruined it.”
Inspired by Patterson’s actions, BBM has also decided to write our own obituary. How do you spell ‘bestialty’ again? And what’s the one where you get off on shagging dead bodies?
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