Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin’ to an envelope for?” “I’m sending a
voicemail ya thick sod!” Dan, Perth
Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head
with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Andy, Surrey Hills
19 Paddies go to the cinema and the ticket lady asks: “Why so many of you?”
Mick replies: “The film said 18 or over.” Karen, Darlinghurst
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum
with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no
surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat. Hayden, Brisbane
Dave finishes his pint and says to Tom, “Your round”, Tom replies “So are you,
ya’ fat bastard!” Kyle, Port Douglas
Arrogance and hypocrisy are the two worst human traits and I see them
everywhere I look.
Except in me because I’m better than everyone else. Roger, Richmond
Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron!”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive!” James, South Melbourne
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of beers. As he is about
to leave, he asks the waiter how much he owes. The waiter replies, “For you,
No Charge!” Alex, Newtown
I’ve just written a book on reverse psychology; but it’s shit and you shouldn’t
buy it. Cal, Kings Cross
Sylvester Stallone was asked who he will be boxing next. “My son”, he replied.
Jodie, Fremantle
Just had a sage and onion enema, it’s knocked the stuffing out of me! Paul,
Darlinghurst
“How come you don’t wake up with an erection?” my wife asked me this
morning. I replied: “because you’re the woman of my dreams”. Steve, St
Kilda
Saw my mate outside the Doctor’s today looking really worried. “What’s the
matter?” I asked. “I’ve got the Big C,” he said. “What, cancer?”
“No, dyslexia.” Richard, Manly
I went to the Doctor’s the other day and he said I was paranoid… well he never
actually said it, but that’s what he was thinking. Sam, Melbourne
Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you’re a pooh! Ian, Kingston
Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I’ve ever
seen.
She danced up to me and said “Hey Handsome, what would you like
me to take off first?”
I said “My glasses.” Greg, Yallingup
Every time I go out with my workmates I invariably end up in the
corner feeling fat and depressed.
Or Karen and Debbie from Accounts, as they’re also known. Tom,
Newtown
“One finger one thumb keep moving”
“One finger one thumb keep moving”
“One finger one thumb keep moving”
“We heard you the first time, Timmy. Granny is experiencing Rigor
Mortis”. Gerry, Oxford
“Do you floss your teeth?” asked my dentist.
“I certainly do.”
“It doesn’t look like it, are you sure?”
“Well not in the traditional sense but I go down on my wife a lot
and she doesn’t shave?” Dave, Fitzroy
Apparently black underwear suggests that a woman wants to have
sex.
That’s bullshit, I’ve been wearing my wife’s for years and she hasn’t
shagged me once! Dan, Darlinghurst
“£2 a month for a homeless child?” The charity mugger in the street
asked.
After talking to her for ten minutes, and giving her my card details
and address I asked…
“So, when can i expect delivery of them then?” Will, Bondi Junction
I’ll admit I have some disgusting habits.
Whenever I dress up as a nun I shit myself. Sal, Tonbridge
I call my girlfriend ‘The Skip’.
Because everyone on the estate has put their junk in her. Bill, Kings
Cross
“Bear found not guilty of shitting in the woods after hiring John
Terrys lawyer.” James, Surfers Paradise
I went up to a girl in a pub, dipped my finger in her drink and wiped
it on her top.
“Do you need any help getting out of those wet clothes?” I asked.
She looked disgustedly down at the wet patch and then sneered, “Is
that the best you can do?”
“Not at all,” I replied, and poured my pint over her. Ben,
Broadwater
I was talking to a fat lass with huge tits last night.
“My eyes are up here…” I said, as she looked down at the kebab in
my hand. Richard, Bondi
You’ll never see a church with free Wi-Fi.
I guess it’s because they don’t want to compete with an invisible
power that actually works. Anna, Paddington
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
“Fancy buying me a drink?” She said,
“Sure,” I replied. “If you let me choose.”
“Okay,” she grinned. “But how will you know what I want?”
“Well, it’s kind of a talent,” I smiled. “All I do is look a girl up and
down and I know exactly what drink suits her best.”
“Okay,” she giggled. “You can choose for me.”
So I turned to the barman and said, “Diet coke, mate.” Phil,
Fremantle
I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW.
Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a
wank later. Pete, Adelaide
