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Dear Crystal,
Jings, crivens and help ma boab! Och Crystal, yuv gawt ta help me. I had one tee many Buckfasts last night and slept with a woman from Glasgee. When I woke up this morning, I had a heed like a haggis and the most hideous Scawtish accent. It’s even affecting ma spelling. Be a doll girl and tell ma hay tae sort it out? This morning I had a battered Mars bar for breakfast washed down with an Irn Bru. I’m at my bonny wits end… freeeeeedom!!

Yours, Angus McSporran

Dear Angus,
There’s no easy way to say this Angus, you’ll just have to bear with me. You’re suffering from an untreatable medical condition known by experts as ‘Being Scottish’. Despite affecting millions of people north of Carlisle every year, this terrible disease has long been ignored by the mass media. I myself have been a campaigner against this tragic affliction for many years, ever since I had a brief ‘Scottish’ scare of my own in the late 80s when I accidentally slept with Alan Hansen.

I was drunk at the time and regretted the incident immediately. I spent weeks waiting for signs of my Scottishness to appear (painting my face blue, developing a laughable hatred of the English, normal people constantly asking me to repeat myself etc). When the doctors gave me the all clear six months later it was one of the happiest days of my life and I’ve been careful never to go on a hen night to Glasgow ever since. Sadly, for you, there is no hope. My only advice is to pray for a swift death. It’s got to be better than watching your national football side humiliate themselves every year.

Dear Crystal,
I think my boyfriend may have slept with another woman. It’s driving me crazy. He went on a lad’s night out up Kings Cross recently and didn’t come home until early afternoon the next day with his boxer shorts missing. Ever since then, he’s refused to sleep with me, saying he doesn’t feel well, but when I tried to surprise him in the shower the other day I saw his penis was all purple and bruised. The other day, I went through his wallet and found a receipt for some flowers to someone with the initials CB. What should I do?

Many Thanks, Josephine

Dear Josephine,
Battered bell end? Flowers to CB? Sorry to break this to you Josephine but it sounds like he’s the bloke I shagged the bollocks off down an alley a couple of weeks ago. Poor little bugger’s been obsessed with me ever since.