Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-cum-psychic knows best when it comes to problems…
Dear Crystal,
I’m the warrior leader of a resistance movement fighting against the tyrannical rule of President Snow in a dystopian world where children are forced to kill each other for the entertainment of the social elite in a futuristic form of gladiatorial-style combat set in a simulated arena. Having won these “Hunger Games”, as they are known, I elected to fight back against this corrupt and fascist capitalist regime with the help of a trusted band of rebels and other true-hearted victors of the games, who help me inspire and unite the masses against their totalitarian oppressors. My problem is, someone hacked into my Apple account and uploaded a load of naked photos of me to the internet. How am I supposed to stand as an iconic symbol of hope against oppression when half my followers are fapping over pictures of my tits?
Dear Katniss,
Sorry my dear, I’d love to help, but I’m just having a rocking out moment to classic alt-rock album ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness’ by The Smashing Pumpkins. “Poooorcelina of the ooooo-sheeeeEEEEeee-unnnnn!” Dooooo-doo-do-doodle-ooooo, nuh, nuh nurrrrrrrr, weeeeeeeeee!” “Poooooor-suuuuuuu-leeeeee-naaaa.”
Dear Crystal,
I’ve recently been made redundant after 35 years doing the same job. I can’t afford to retire just yet, but no one will take me on at a reasonable salary due to my age. It’s been a month now, and I’m so worried that I haven’t even told my wife yet. The stress is driving me to drink. If it goes on much longer, we might even have to sell the house. What should I do?
Dear Roland,
Weedly-weeedly wurrrr! Nrooooow! “Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage! Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a – CAAAAAGE! Weeedly-weedly- wurrrrrrrrrrr! Neeeeeeeyawwwww duh-dududu-neerrrrrrr! “And I still believe that I cannot be SAAAAA-AAAVED!”