BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…

Virgo

After being snapped by the paparazzi while accidentally brushing past Taylor Swift on the street, you are quickly assumed to be her latest romantic entanglement, appearing in Take a Break magazine under the headline “Has Tay-Tay found true love at last?”. The same picture appears in Women’s Own a week later but with a jagged cut down the middle under the headline “On the rocks?”. A couple of months later, Swift releases a song about how much you “did her wrong” and that you were “just another playa”, which goes to No.1 in 17 countries.

Pisces

Your attempt to buy an original Christmas present for your partner this year backfires when you discover how hard it is to put wrapping paper on a frightened baboon.

Sagitareus

You’ve always been a bit of a grammar Nazi, and duly go ape-shit crazy when you notice that highly acclaimed street magazine BBM has spelt your star sign wrong. Pretty badly too.

Cancer

You try to start a Fight Club at your local pub, but the idea quickly dissolves when the only person who shows up is a guy known only as “Big Dave”, who duly beats you to a bloody pulp.

Capricorn

Despite protesting your innocence, you are charged and found guilty of the brutal murder of Aussie icon, Olivia Newton-John. In an unusual twist, the judge sentences you to the electric chair, and invites John Travolta to sing ‘You’re The One That I Want’, with the switch being pulled when he gets to the line “I get chills, they’re multiplying – it’s electrifying.” It’s what she would have wanted.

Libra

After years petitioning the local Planning Committee, the Zodiac finally gets permission for the construction of a library by adding the letters “R” and “Y” to the end of Libra. Your “scales” symbol is promptly changed to a picture of a bespectacled woman “shushing” and you are legally required to give your books and DVDs to anyone who asks for them. Ditto for free access to your Wi-Fi too.

Leo

A post-Christmas dinner game of Trivial Pursuit takes a turn for the worse when an argument breaks out over which of the American great lakes is the biggest. By the time it’s resolved, both your parents are in hospital and you have stab wounds in your left leg. Turns out it was Lake Superior. Obvious when you think about it.

Aquarius

You win two tickets to Wet ‘n’ Wild. Even better, it’s not the theme park but the new high-class brothel that’s opened in Kings Cross. Score!

Taurus

A trip to the doctors turns into something more sinister when a simple blood test reveals you have contracted Schwimmeritis – a highly contagious disease that causes the sufferer to slowly turn into Ross from Friends. Progressive symptoms include getting divorced from a lesbian, starting a career in palaeontology and sparking a ‘will-they-won’t-they’ romance with your sister’s best friend that the general public swiftly gets bored of.

Scorpio

With Jupiter in the ascendancy over the new moon, expect to find opportunity in adversity throughout December. For example, if you’re a man, your missus might pick indie flick Take This Waltz as that night’s viewing entertainment, and about halfway through when you’re bored out of your mind, you notice Sarah Silverman and Michelle Williams totally naked in a shower. There’s more full frontal funny girl action in Welcome To Me starring Kristen Wiig too. Anyway, those are just some examples of every cloud having a silver lining.

Gemini

When the train you’re on gets struck by lightning, you switch bodies with the hipster sat in front of you. For the rest of the month you are forced to wear tartan shirts, prune your beard and drink coffee while sat on a milk crate.

Aries

After misreading an article on a health and wellbeing website, you decide to increase the number of steps you take each day by listening to ‘Tragedy (cover)’, ‘Heartbeat’, ‘5,6,7,8’, and ‘Better the Devil You Know (cover)’.