Ask Crystal 606

Dear Crystal,
I think I might be gay as I’ve started to fall in love with my best friend. The problem is, I’m married. My marriage is a very happy one, but for the last couple of years I’ve found myself more and more attracted to my friend. He’s a pretty open-minded guy, it’s one of the things I like about him, but I just don’t know how he’d react if I told him how I felt. I’d be devestated if this destroyed our friendship and my marriage. Then again, I don’t know how long I can go on like this without telling him something. What should I do Crystal? Pretend I’m not gay for the rest of my life and bottle up my emotions, or sit down with him one night and admit my feelings? I’m so torn.
Yours, Quentin

Dear Quentin,
Well your name was a bit of a giveaway to be honest (your parents never gave you a chance). But I think you already know the answer to your problem. You have to squash down those emotions, bury them as deep as you can until you lose all sense of who you are. Only then can you forget your sexuality. There’s also a couple of things you can do to stop becoming gay. 1) Next time you get cut up in traffic say “I bet that guy’s gay.” 2) Picture your wife cheating on you with a gay guy. Still think you’re gay? Go to the bathroom, look at the guy in the mirror and whisper “you’re gay”. If he nods, repeat steps one and two then try again.

Dear Crystal,
I’ve got a real bad case of piles and nothing seems able to shift them. You look like a woman who’s dealt with her fair share of bum grapes in her time – any advice?
Yours, Arthur

Dear Arthur,
Bloody hell chap, a little too much information there. You’re correct of course, a sexually-charged bed demon like me has naturally had her fair share of Nobbies over the years. My advice is to sit on a rolling pin and wiggle. It doesn’t work that often but it certainly feels good.

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