The Beautiful CrystalDear Crystal,

I HAVE been seeing this girl for some time now but she won’t give in and let me shag her.
I have tried everything but she just isn’t up for it.
I really like this girl and I don’t want to seem like I’m only after sex but my balls are beginning to resemble space hoppers. What can I do?
Chad, Fremantle

Dear Chad,

THIS is a problem that I’m sure most guys have – except those who go out with me.
They usually end up kicking and screaming, trying to get out of the bedroom before I entice them back in for more.
You have to woo her – a romantic meal with plenty of drinks always works.
Why not try Crusty Jack’s Chicken Shack? That place always gets me in the mood for a drilling.

Dear Crystal,
MY friend is a really nice girl but she is really unhygienic.
I am staying in the same flat as her and everything is great, except she spends the night farting, picking her nose and flicking it at the telly.
When she goes to the toilet it smells like someone’s rotting corpse afterwards.
She is a great flatmate but her horrible habits are driving me insane.
How can I approach her without offending her?
Sue, Brisbane

Dear Sue,
is tricky, but sometimes people need a short, sharp blast of reality to kick them into action.
Just tell her how disgustingly vile she is and that she should seriously improve her diet as two minute noodles and Bacardi Breezers are leaving the bathroom like a sewer and, no doubt, her arsehole like a chewed orange.
If this doesn’t work then maybe I could move in with you? I don’t really fart that much although I do like to Mr Whippy a fella on the bed from time to time.