Aries
Your time in Australia is nearly up.
You have become a different person since you arrived in the land down under 12 months ago.
Back then you were a bit of a tit but now you are a full-blown tosser.
You will realise this when you arrive back home and come back to earth with a thud in Blighty.

Taurus
Make no mistake, you are one hot girl and everyone in the office thinks that – but your fellow females are ready to kick your head in, such is the extent of their jealousy of you.
Stop wearing the short skirt and tiny blouse to work and change into big baggy jumpers and trousers for your own safety.

Gemini
You have to speculate to accumulate but this statement doesn’t apply to blowing the last of your savings in the casino, you absolute maniac.
What are you going to do for money now? Bank of Mum and Dad will be getting used for another loan no doubt.

Cancer
When are you going to get that mole on your arm checked out? When it’s big enough to pick up the phone and dial the digits itself?

Leo
You’ve always been a happy-go-lucky cheeky charmer.
This yields results with girls in your teens and early 20’s but as you approach the big 30, still living at home doing part time hours and getting your mum to iron your underpants, your suave charm is fading by the day.

Virgo
Stop kidding yourself, you are riddled with every STD known to man.
You have girls in bars all around Australia scratching their crotches frantically.
Sort it out, you are a one-man pestilence.

Libra
When you go out with a girl, especially on a first date, it’s not standard practice when you have finished your drink to nod to the bar and whistle, as if telling her to fetch.
Especially when she has hardly touched her Smirnoff Ice.

Scorpio
Your flat-mate is advertising your room. Check Gumtree.
Persistent loud sex on a rickety old bed can take its toll.
Buggery on the kitchen table is just plain unhygienic.

Sagittarius
It’s good to be proud of your body but constantly wandering around your flat in the nude has your housemates choking on their chicken noodles.
It’s hard to concentrate on Survivor when you are sitting nude, legs akimbo on the couch.

Capricorn
Unfortunately, everyone at work knows that you can’t satisfy your girlfriend.
The fact that she runs from the roomin frustrated rage during your lunch break shouting, “He’s fucking done it again,” is a give away for your overexcitable lovegun.

Aquarius
Have you never noticed that complaining may make you feel better for a little while, but it just makes everyone else think you are a pathetic twat?

Pisces
Your boyfriend’s shagging your sister.