crystal from ask crystalDear Crystal,
I HAVE this strange craving for smelling my dad’s dirty underwear.
I know it sounds weird, but I just love his crotch scent. It’s just hard to sneak around trying to steal his boxers without him knowing.
I don’t know how to explain it, the smell is just so appetizing. What should I do?
Miranda, Byron Bay

Dear Miranda,
AS SICK and perverted as you are, I will attempt to help.
If you’re worried about getting caught indirectly sniffing your father’s sweaty penis, you could just extract the essence by sinking a pile of dirty underwear in some water.
From there, you can create a perfume that smells just like him so you can inhale his scent whenever you want.
Just be cautious of wearing it around him.
Or anyone for that matter.

Dear Crystal,
AS MUCH as I love pussy and sex, and God knows I don’t want to get an infection on my John, I just can’t stand condoms.
They are annoying and they irritate me.
But girls won’t touch me unless I wrap my junk. Is there any way I can get around this?
Sean, Bundaberg
Dear Sean,

WELL you sound like a bit of a cock. Alas, I’m bound by agony aunt law to help you and it just so happens that you’re problem is an easy one to solve.
When the clothes come off, put a condom on your enlarged member in front of her. When she’s not looking, cut about half of the upper condom off so all you have left is the bottom part. This way, when you’re penetrating her, she will see the part of the condom that’s left, but you will get the pleasurable sensation of skin to skin.