TENNIS: Enough, Scotland. Enough! Alright, it may have been your people that won us the curling gold at the Winter Olympics, but, well, that was curling England do the hard work for ‘Team GB’ during the Olympics, fact, and we try really hard to embrace a Scot when he or she does well. Case in point, Andy Murray. We were happy to call him British when he rocketed his way to No 2 in the world because we thought he might just emulate our own Tiger Tim.
But, blimey! BLIMEY! In the last grand slam of the season, No2 seed Murray had his gecko-white arse emphatically spanked at the US Open. The Scot lost to No16 seed Marlin Cilic, 7-5, 6-2, 6-2 in the fourth round, a player he had beaten in all three previous encounters.
There had been talk – mostly in an indecipherable Scottish brogue – that Murray had the game to win his first grand slam tournament, but this showing actually makes Henman’s nickname not seem ironic. And well done Roger Federer who will undoubtedly be celebrating his third Grand Slam of the season by the time you read this.


Some people are just naturally gifted sportsmen. Give Federer a skateboard and he’d probably do a few 360 Ollies before Nosegrinding it along the centre-court net.
Tiger Woods would most likely make 12-metre highboard diving look effortless. World Champion ski jumper Adreas Kuettel just happens to be good at Swiss cheese rolling.
This year’s individual large hill gold medalist at the Nordic World Ski Championships displayed his all-round sporting prowess in the celebrity Swiss cheese rolling classic arena by beating off challenges from the likes of Miss Earth 2009 Graziella Rogers to claim the title.
Scotland’s Andy Murray, if he’d entered, would have probably explained how the competition was really strong and that it was an achievement to just to hold the cheese wheel in his useless hands.

CRICKET: England may be getting tonked by the Aussies in the one day matches but sports most ridiculous-looking trophy is still ours.
And the good news is that, even if we lose it next year in Australia we are almost certain to reclaim the Ashes when they’re contested again in England in four-years time. Why? Because Ricky Ponting will still be captain.
That’s right. He’s not content to be the first Oz skipper in 120 years to lose the Ashes twice, he wants to do it for a third time. So he’s giving up Twenty20 internationals to increase his chances for 2013.
“This decision is part of giving myself the best chance to achieve that,” he said.
“I’ve never put a limit on how long I can play for.”
Let’s hope so for England’s sake.
Despite the mishap, Button’s still leads Barichello by 16 points, after the Brazilian only managed to pick up 2 points.


• “I CONSIDER it a mortal sin to not only prevent him from playing, but leaving him out of the squad entirely,” – the former Italy striker Ciccio Graziani reckons Marcello Lippi will need to spend some time in the confessional after the Italy coach failed to call up Antonio Cassano once again.
• “IF WE can avoid all this exuberance after goals that would be good. The less contact there is, the better for everyone” – Dr Pierre Rochecongar, a consultant hired by the French Football Federation, calls on players to cut down on their goal celebrations to prevent the transmission of swine flu. France’s players have responded enthusiastically by cutting down on their goal-scoring instead.
• “I REPEAT: yes, yes, yes. I have to say it three times. He has the job of qualifying us for the World Cup. And I repeat that even if we have to go into the play-offs, it’s still Raymond Domenech’s job,” – Jean-Pierre Escalettes does little to quash the theory that astonishingly inept France manager Raymond Domenech must have photographs of the French Football Federation president in a compromising position with a goat.
• “I HAVE been in the France team for 12 years and never have I been in this situation. We do not know how to play, where to go, there is no organisation. There is no style, no guidance and no identity,” – Thierry Henry does little to quash the theory that astonishingly inept France coach Raymond Domenech must have photographs of the French Football Federation president in a compromising position with a goat.