Manchester United have brought in Bastian Schweinsteiger, Arsenal finally have a world-class goalkeeper and Man City have captured the England team’s hottest property – but it’s Jose Mourinho’s two big summer signings that look set to have the biggest impact on the new Premier League season when it kicks off on 8th August.
Mastermind Mourinho has splashed out on a brand new pipe and slippers, so confident is he (and BBM for that matter) that Chelsea will canter to the title again this season.
United have too many new big-name players to be consistent, Man City will sack Manuel Pellegrini at the first sign of a bad patch and Arsenal are, well, Arsenal – always a couple of world-class players away from a squad deep enough to challenge. And for any Liverpool fans wondering why we haven’t mentioned you, one word – rofl.
“In this moment we don’t want players,” Mourinho said while leaning back on a chaise longue and chucking peanuts into his mouth. “Of course, we must be ready because the market is open and if someone comes for one of our players with a bid, we must be ready to act.
“We need a left-back because I think we will sell Filipe Luis, so we need to go to the market. But other positions, we have no space.”
At the other end, we fully expect an all-out bloodbath of a relegation battle. All three promoted teams will struggle, obviously, but they will be buoyed by the fact that they will be joined by some especially poor teams in the race to finish fourth from bottom – we’re looking at you Leicester, Villa, Sunderland and Newcastle. Basically if you’re from the North East or East Midlands, prepare to have a shitbag of a season.

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