BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…

LIBRA

You manage to break seven commandments in one weekend by stealing, having sex with and murdering a good friend of your mum and dad’s while screaming blasphemous obscenities – then lying about it to your neighbour. On a Sunday.

CANCER

As a Cancerian you are invited to the opening of Cancer World, a zoo-style theme park where previously extinct crabs from the Jurassic age are brought back to life thanks to modern-day cloning technology.
Disaster strikes during the tour, however, when one of the enclosure keepers falls into a pit containing a rabid Dungeness crab and is viciously nipped on the toe by the cretaceous crustacean. Pincer-induced panic consumes the theme park and, in the confusion, the crabs escape their cages. It’s soon clear that no one on the island is safe from the unfolding nipping nightmare as the tiny terrors run amok. Luckily for all involved, a hunky American crab wrangler called Chris Pratt is on hand and after a thrilling series of sideways-scuttling chase scenes, he leads you and the rest of the theme park’s guests to safety before kissing Bryce Dallas Howard. In an ironic twist, the red-headed
hotty catches crabs off Chris later that night.

RUSSIAN REPUBLIC OF VIRGO

Vladimir Putin’s lust for power reaches new levels this month. No longer content with global conquest, President Pooty strikes out to the stars, starting with the ruthless annexation of the constellation of Virgo by Russian separatists. The UN responds by deploying peacekeeping troops on Leo’s border with Virgo. Only Pussy Riot can save you now.

PISCES

After years of being told you can’t multi-task, you learn how to piss in the sink while cleaning your teeth. Well done to you. Especially if you’re a woman. If only your partner was as supportive. When you break the good news, he/she throws your laptop out of the window in disgust.

TAURUS

You are randomly struck on the head by a flying laptop and end up in a coma for two days. When you wake up, you bizarrely start speaking fluent Americanese, claiming you can’t afford Obamacare and that it’s your right as a patriot to be allowed to use a “cellphone” in hospital. When you notice there’s some sport on TV, you start whooping and hollering like an idiot and yelling “Go Wildcats!” while firing a gun in the air.

GEMINI

When an ASIO officer overhears you saying you ‘like ibis’ after you spot one of the long-beaked birds scavenging through a bin, you are immediately arrested and detained on Christmas Island under Tony Abbott’s draconian new anti-terrorism laws. Apparently the officer thought you said ISIS. After three months of waterboarding, the government finds you guilty of supporting terrorism. As a result, you’re stripped of your passport, put on a deflating blow-up dinghy, handcuffed, and then pushed from shore in the general direction of Indonesia with the words “I support terrorism” tattooed on your forehead.

LEO

Inspired by the fight for gay marriage, you join another marriage equality cause that’s much closer to your sexual preferences – Marriage Equality for Non-player Characters in Video Games. Who knows,
maybe one day in a more tolerant society you’ll be allowed to marry the true love of your life – whether it’s Lara Croft, Lydia from Skyrim, or Princess Peach.

ARIES

After three false fire alarms in a week, you stubbornly refuse to leave the office when a fourth one goes off a couple of days later. Alas, it turns out to be a reverse boy who cried wolf, and your refusal to admit when you’re wrong means you carry on working at your desk even as the flames engulf your body and burn you to a crisp.

AQUARIUS

You realise it might be time to buy new underwear when you notice a pair of undies appear on the Antiques Road Show that bear an uncanny resemblance to a pair you’ve had for as long as you can remember. Apparently the TV pants were once owned by Dr Samuel Johnson, the famous literary critic who died in 1784.

SAGITTARIUS

After three weeks of guitar lessons, you finally learn the four chords needed to play the chorus from Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple. Next month you master Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

CAPRICORN

They say it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than enter the gates of heaven. Lucky for you, you’ll be poor and miserable for the rest of your life. Hurrah!

SCORPIO

Piss off Scorpio, I’ve already gone over my word count.