Now the Olympics are over we can all forget that we briefly cared about synchronised diving, and get back to enjoying a real sport where diving will only get you abuse and condemnation from fans and tabloids (unless you’re British – more on that later). A new Premier League season brings with it all the hope, excitement, and inevitable disappointment that makes football the best/worst game in the world. Despite teams buying new players, and testing new formations, we all know how the season will transpire; and those hoping for a season of surprises will surely be disappointed as the usual suspects take up the top slots, others assume their traditional mid-table positions, and Wigan have yet another dogshit season before narrowly avoiding relegation, with Roberto Martinez being hailed a genius.
But it’s not all bad; there’s something quite comforting that comes with knowing what to expect. The Premier League is like a warm old blanket you had as a child – except this blanket rips you off monetarily and makes you cry. Nevertheless, we love the game (love it!), and while you’re watching the two Manchester clubs fight it out for the title, Arsenal, Chelsea, Spurs, and Liverpool battle for fourth, and Fulham just hang around not making much of a fuss or impact, there’ll be plenty of familiar happenings that are part of the Premier League’s fabric. We’ve made a few notes of things to look out for from a select group of players from the only teams that people really care about. (Sorry Reading.)
Arsenal
Gooners will be curious to see if their colossal centre back Per Mertesacker can improve on his debut campaign; while rival fans will hope he provides more fodder with which to mock the myth of Arsene Wenger’s brilliance in the transfer market. The German spent every game in which he featured navigating the pitch like a lost submarine, leaving gaping holes in Arsenal’s defence; and hopefully we can expect more of the same this season.
Chelsea
Captain, leader, ambassador for race equality – these are just some of the many things that can be said about John Terry (the others are only four letters long). Though into his 30s and past his prime, you can still rely on JT to fearlessly throw himself in front of the ball and provide that desperate last ditch tackle. Because JT’s a brave and inspirational leader. It’s not because he’s always out of position, and slow, and a massive liability.
Fulham
Yes, Fulham. And John Arne Riise. Just like his time at Liverpool, a multitude of shots and crosses from Riise will be fired miles wide, over, and into the stratosphere until that one gorgeous pile driver hits the back of the net and everyone briefly forgets how shit he is.
Liverpool
Could’ve gone for Suarez’s nutmegs; could’ve gone for a long-range Gerrard effort; but instead we’ve gone for the bumbling ball of suet that us Charlie Adam. If you only watch and listen to the lazy numptys on Match of the Day, you’d be forgiven for believing that Charlie Adam is this generation’s Graeme Souness – a perfect mix of elegance and brutality. In actual fact, Adam is more a mix along the lines of chips and deep fried pizza – fat and awful. His patented receive the ball, look around, wander forward 10 yards, fall over move is a familiar sight to Liverpool fans; as is his whack a 40 yard Hollywood ball to the corner flag. Both will be on show again at Anfield this season unless Brendan Rodgers comes to his senses and ships the Scot off to the glue factory.
Man City
Aaah, Balotelli. The antics of the hipsters’ favourite have become old hat now (just celebrate when you score, you bellend) but they’ll be on display again this season. Arguing with the manager; spending lavishly; setting fire to stuff. But it’s ok, because he’s a character. Not a twat…
Man Utd
(Ok, get ready for this joke – it’s good.) If you thought Tom Daley was Britain’s finest diver, you’d be wrong. That honour goes to Man Utd’s Ashley Young. (Told you it was good.) To win a penalty, get an opponent booked, or just hold up the game, the vastly over-rated winger will go down quicker than a girl on a night out in Manchester after a few Smirnoff Ices. (I’ve been to Manchester).
Newcastle
Unless he gets the move he craves, scan the crowd at St James’ Park to see a poorly disguised, ponytailed man with a forlorn look break into tears as the Toon Army cheers Papiss Cisse banging in goal after goal. Poor Andy.
Norwich
Just watch the ludicrously egotistical Grant Holt parading around Carrow Road as if he’s a world-beater, like Cristiano Ronaldo, and not some averagely talented bumpkin from Carlisle. Holtamania? Bollocks.
Stoke
Apart from obesity and domestic abuse, when you hear Stoke you think of Rory Delap’s throw-ins. Even when Delap’s not on the pitch, the Potters’ main tactic is still a long throw into the box. Pundits love them because they’re an old-school English team: they get stuck in, there’s no fannying about with the ball (i.e. they’re not very good at football). If you ever see a Stoke player pass the ball along the ground it can only mean that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will soon be coming around the corner.
Spurs
When he’s not swinging from a tyre or helping to move a piano up a flight of stairs, Spurs’ Gareth Bale can most likely be found tearing around the pitches of the Premier League putting in crosses, scoring the odd goal, and falling to the floor having been felled by a mild gust of wind. For all the talk of devious foreigners and their gamesmanship, Gareth Bale (along with Ashley Young) stands out for being particularly prone to cheating. Finally, something in football at which the British are the best!
(All players still at these clubs at the time of writing. Hopefully Charlie Adam isn’t, though…)
By Peter Simpson
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