• ACCOUNT clerk Jane Gillies was left tearing her hair out after sending a perfectly reasonable email to Aussie japester David Thorne requesting he pay an outstanding balance.
He replied thus:
“I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.” 
Attached was a cheerful-looking picture of a cartoon spider.
Gillies emailed back, saying that she couldn’t accept the drawing as payment and, anyway, it only had seven legs.
A few minutes later, the same drawing arrived in her inbox with an extra leg hastily tacked on.
The unwanted spider has since gained huge popularity, even attracting bids on eBay.
If the sale goes through, Thorne will have sold as many works of art in his lifetime as Vincent Van Gogh sold during his.
Stop this crazy world, we want to get off.
• EVER since an unfortunate incident involving an ex-workmate, a bald eagle, a balaclava and a bottle of nail polish, we have been very sceptical about the dangers of camera phones.
So it doesn’t surprise us at all that a multi-million dollar court case in in the offing after a man, who accidentally left his mobile phone in a branch of McDonald’s, found that nude photos of his wife that had been stored in the device ended on the internet.
Philip Sherman says he was promised by staff at the burger restaurant in Fayette, Arkansas, that the handset would be turned off and securely stored until he could retrieve it.
Instead, he alleges employees at the branch ended up rifling through his phone’s memory, address book, text messages and library of images before posting pictures of his wife, Tina, online.
Next to the photographs, which were meant only for Mr Sherman’s eyes, the creative miscreants added the McDonald’s logo, together with its slogan “I’m lovin’ it” and a caption describing Mrs Sherman as “hot like McDonald’s coffee”.
They also provided her name, address and contact details, prompting dozens of unwelcome letters, phone calls and emails that apparently forced the couple to move home.
The Shermans are seeking $3m for emotional distress and damage to their reputations. They also allege loss of earnings, and want to reclaim the cost of their change of address.
They will continue to Grimace until the spam-burgler is caught.
• WE always thought Australia was a fairly liberal and tolerant nation, but it seems this is far from the case.
Honestly, who amongst us hasn’t driven to a scenic beach and pleasured ourselves with our tender bits submerged in a pasta sauce jar? If it is a crime, and it’s the first we’ve heard about it, it’s a victimless one at that.
In their defence, the Newcastle constabulary did have an excuse to approach Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, as he parked in a no-stopping zone on the (appropriately named) Nobby’s Beach.
But their attempt to arrest Keith was met with some resistance as they were led on a brief, low-speed car chase.
The fact they couldn’t see what the wacko wanker had in his hand led them to draw their weapons.
But instead of having a firearm in his hand, the cops found him partially clothed with his genitals in a 750mm jar.
Showing a determination to finish what he’d started, when Weatherley was stopped, he refused to leave his car and four officers had to use batons and capsicum spray to get him out.
Weatherley attempted to continue “pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling,” according to a police statement.
A search of his car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women’s stockings and (fascinatingly) a Jack Russell terrier.
Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction and was fined $600.
Just think of all the pasta sauce he could buy for that.
• IT’S always a shame when instead of being heralded as visionary geniuses, inventors get into trouble with the law.
But sadly this is the case as the makers of a fake penis designed to help men cheat drugs tests face jail on conspiracy charges.
George Wills and Robert Catalano pleaded guilty in a US federal court after selling the device – brilliantly named ‘The Whizzinator’ – over the internet for three years.
It contained a heating element and fake urine to help people test negative for illegal substances. Now Wills and Catalano could face up to eight years in prison and a $500,000 fine.
They claimed to be the “undisputed leader in synthetic urine,” describing the Whizzinator as the “ultimate solution” for testing.
It went on: “The prosthetic penis is very realistic and concealing is simple. Quality production and material ensures the Whizzinator will let it flow again and again, anytime, anywhere you need it!”
For some unknown reason every member of the WWE wrestling corporation have agreed to pay their legal fees.
