• WHEN a woman says things are moving too fast, it’s never a good thing.
And it’s especially bad news if she says it when you’re shagging her in a car on the edge of a cliff with the breaks off.
Before the bloke could scream “that’s not the handbreak!” the pair had plunged into a freezing river in Moscow and had to be winched to safety by rescue workers.
As cold showers go it’s pretty drastic but if you ever find yourself trying to keep the wolf from the door, we recommend you take a look at the photos of a topless Amy Winehouse in The Sun this week. Ewww.
• FIRST robber: “Now we’ve got the ski masks, we’ve short-circuited the CCTV cameras and we’ve used fake number plates on the getaway car. Are you sure there’s nothing else that could give away who we are?”
Second robber: “Nur-nur-nur nothing I can think of b-bu-bu-bu-bu boss, let’s d-d-d-do this sh-sh-shit!”
Armed robbery. Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there right? What? Oh right, in that case no neither have we and we certainly didn’t raid Ladbrokes in Leeds two years ago in an incident that resulted in two fatal shootings and in which the culprits are still at large, possibly having fled the country.
But if you had a distinctive stutter, never a great thing at the best of times, you’d make sure the staff at the store you’re holding up at knife-point had never heard you before.
So why on earth a 25-year-old Gareth Gates voiced robber went back to former employees Dunkin Donuts to steal the grand sum of $300 is slightly baffling.
Unsurprisingly, staff recognised his voice and duly informed the police who found him later that day sitting in a car park with the money.
Still if he has any sexual harassment problems at shower time in prison, the inmates will just have to learn that when a man says ‘nnn-n-n-nnnn-nn-nn-n-n-n no he means nnnn-n-nnn-nnnn-nn-nnnn no’.
• AND we thought Aussie politicians were bad.
Brawling MPs used sledgehammers to force their way into a parliamentary committee room after a particularly violent hissy fit in South Korea.
Opposition Democratic Party members wanted to get into the room to block a free-trade agreement with the US but ruling Grand National Party members fought back with fire extinguishers and fists as the country’s parliament descended into chaos. Sounds like a typical day at Balls Towers to us.
Scuffles broke out as dozens of opposition MPs and their aides attempted to push their way in to the committee room.
Obviously this sounds quite serious but judging by the pictures we’ve seen, where they’re slapping each other like girls and crying if they graze a knee, it’s actually quite amusing.
• YOU’VE heard the phrase: “he couldn’t stand up to a gust of wind.”
Usually it’s just a bit of a glib exaggeration but it would accurately describe a man in China this week, who was blown up a tree by a particularly strong gale.
The 20-year-old weakling was trying to repair the roof of his home in Beijing’s Shijingshan district when the wind caught him.
He was left clinging to the 45ft tree with both arms and legs dangling in the air until he was rescued by firefighters.
“Luckily I was blown onto a nearby tree, otherwise who knows where I would be. I was terrified and kept shouting for help,” said the man.
It’s not particularly amazing news to British Balls to be honest as we know a woman in Kings Cross who will blow off anything for the right price.
• WE all know that modern art is a load of horse shit – sometimes literally – but we’re slightly baffled by this latest artist.
Abstract paintings by Cholla the horse, yes that’s Cholla the horse, are selling for more than £2,000 and the equine Picasso is set have his own exhibition in Venice.
Owner Renee Chambers, 51, of Reno, Nevada, said she first noticed Cholla’s hidden talent four years ago when she painted the fence of his paddock.
She said: “He seemed really interested in what I was doing then one day my husband Robert joked to me that I should give Cholla a brush.
“He hasn’t looked back since then, I give him the canvas and the paint and he just makes these wonderful pictures.
“I have thought he might be the reincarnation of a famous artist, maybe Monet or someone, but the one thing he definitely is, is a horse who loves to paint.”
We’re not sure why, but every time we see the picture of Cholla with a brush in his mouth, we keep thinking of Sarah Jessica-Parker giving a blowjob.
