WITH waistlines on the increase across America, we’d expect the average US citizen to struggle to find the energy to fight their way out of a wet paper bag.
However, an intrepid SWAT team did their best to disprove this hypothesis by boldly taking down a bank robber who turned out to be made of cardboard.
When an alarm sounded at a New Jersey bank, the cops raced to the scene and evacuated nearby buildings before commandeering a megaphone and instructing the shadowy figure standing at the bank’s window to give himself up. When the figure did not respond, a tense 90 minute standoff ensued.
Finally, the police plucked up the courage to storm the building and were not amused to find that the suspect was, in fact, a life-sized cardboard cut-out.
Tune in to next week’s Blue Peter, where they will be showing you how to make your own terrorist out of three PVC bottles and some sticky-back plastic.
WE have noticed a certain trend among American nutters to blame God for their actions. God told me to do this, God told me to do that … if there really is a Heaven there’s going to be one Hell of an awkward silence when they finally meet him.
But that’s not putting this particular San Antonio truck driver off using the time-honoured excuse. When police questioned his motives for ramming a woman’s car off the road he simply said “God said she wasn’t driving right”.
We’re not sure God would count swerving across a lane of traffic and ploughing into the side of another vehicle as ‘driving right’, but the man is sticking to his defence and is currently undergoing psychiatric testing.
We reckon he needs to get his ears looked at as well while he’s in there, in case God says something like ‘be kind to animals’ and he interprets it as a command to destroy all humanity.
AS those helpful people at Oporto constantly remind us, ‘When you gotta go, you gotta go.’ This has never been more true than in the case of Germany’s Heinz Kessel.
Let’s give the guy some credit. He went to the trouble of finding a shop, and using their toilet. Unfortunately, the shop was a bathroom store and the toilet was for display purposes only.
Alerted by a foul smell, staff searched for the source of the unpleasant odour and found Kessel sitting on the bog frantically cranking the flusher which stubbornly refused to get rid of his floating faeces.
“We had to shut the shop until it was all cleaned up because the smell was so bad customers would have been driven away anyway.” recounts shop assistant Simone Fiedler.
Kessel has been slapped with a lifetime ban from the shop and a stern warning to keep his bodily fluids to himself in future.
Bet he didn’t even wash his hands, the dirty git.
“IF I had a son like that I’d thank my lucky stars if someone kidnapped him,” snapped a surly Polish policeman after foiling 15-year-old Dominik Borzecki’s latest money-making scheme.
We reckon we’d have left him to rot as well. The teen tearaway had already conned his long-suffering mum out of £4,000 through various scams, and when he tried to extort another £4,000 from her by staging his own kidnap and demanding a ransom the poor woman agreed to play by his rules and pay up to save the poor little lamb.
However, when Dominik and his accomplice turned up to make the ‘swap’ a policeman jumped out and accosted them, bringing their evil plot to an end.
Dominik is now grounded for the foreseeable future and won’t be getting any ice-cream for a month.
We’re pretty sure this never happened to Al Capone.
WHEN you walk into a store heavily disguised and armed with a ten-inch knife and all the cashier can say is ‘You gotta be kidding me!’, you know you’ve got off to a bad start.
Barry Kramer of Salt Lake County didn’t quite manage to pull off the intimidating look he was aiming for when he attempted to rob a local golf shop.
The clerk tried his best to look impressed by the robber’s outfit, which consisted of a pair of men’s underwear tied over the face, but failed miserably.
Kramer tried to intimidate the clerk by staring menacingly at him through the fly, but the clerk chased him out of the shop and across a golf course, where an amused party of golfers gave chase in their motorised cart.
Kramer is now in police custody and is expected to be sentenced to sit through the entire boxset of What Not To Wear, with Trinny and Susannah.