• AMID the doom and gloom of the global credit crisis a skint Chinese businessman was sadly forced to drop all but one of his five mistresses and although his idea to hold an X Factor-style contest to decide  which one to keep sounds foolproof, it all went horribly wrong when the winner died while celebrating her ‘victorychico‘.
Donglu Fan organised singing, modelling and drinking tests for his secret lovers but was sued and forced to pay £60,000 to the victim’s family after an accident occured when one of the losers took the other girls on a ‘celebratory drive’ and proceeded to speed off the edge of a cliff, killing the winner and injuring two other ‘contestants’.
“It was a simple knockout competition,” said Donglu, 43. “The first phase was a personality test, then there was a modelling and singing competition. In the end, a drinking contest where the winner was the one still standing after drinking the most.”
Worse was to come as his wife is now divorcing him over his five affairs. Sounds like he is now a sad, desperate loser with no money or prospects. He should enter the next series of X Factor.

• THE CONCEPT of arranged marriages is always a bewildering one for westerners who can’t imagine much worse than being paired with a stinky, whining prude who shuns your lecherous advances and doesn’t even know how to cook roast potatoes, but it could be worse – you could be married off to a dog.
This was the case for a two-year-old boy in eastern India who now calls his neighbour’s hound wifey after villagers acted to stop the groom being killed by wild animals and protect him from ghosts and bad luck. Obviously.boy_kissing_dog
Around 150 tribes-people performed the ritual recently in a hamlet in the state of Orissa’s Jajpur district after the boy grew a tooth on his upper gum.
The Munda tribe see such growths as a bad omen and believe it makes them prone to attacks by tigers and other animals, so the tribal god blessed the child to ward off evil spirits.
“We performed the marriage as it will overcome any curse that might fall on the child as well on us,” the boy’s father said.
The groom, Sagula, was carried by his family in a procession to the village temple, where a priest solemnised the marriage between Sagula and his bride, Jyoti, by chanting Sanskrit hymns.
The dog was set free to roam around the area after the ceremony. The boy will still be able to marry a human bride in the future without filing for divorce, by which time his lucky bride will have a hubby with plenty of practice in doing it doggy style.

• ALANIS Morissette never mentioned it in her hugely annoying mid-90s hit, but there is a certain irony about a woman being decapitated by an estranged husband in the offices of a TV network the couple set up to try to counter Muslim stereotypes.
Muzzammil “Mo” Hassan is accused of beheading his wife last week, days after she filed for divorce. Authorities have not discussed the role religion or culture might have played, but the slaying gave rise to speculation that it was the sort of ‘honour killing’ more common in the couple’s native Pakistan.
The Hassans started Bridges TV in 2004 with the aim to develop understanding between North America and the Middle East.
They probably should have tried to understand each other. Or at least understand it’s rude to chop each other’s heads off.

• NOW it’s not very often that a German makes a joke, particularly on TV, so it seems only fair that the funnyman should be forgiven a few minor sins – and even a blatant sexual assault.
Hans Blomberg, 31, was announcing the results of a public vote for a song contest when he fondled the breast of his colleague, 28-year-old Susanka Bersin on a live prime time show.
As results came in, Blomberg joked: “But the two most beautiful points remain with me” – before he grabbed Bersin’s cleavage.
Bersin was shocked and immediately slapped him in the face. This was met with a measured reaction which has been voiced in bars around the world for centuries, with Blomberg saying: “The real scandal was she slapped me, not my boob grabbing!”
But while Blomberg’s bosses said “he went too far, no doubt about that”, it was confirmed the announcer won’t be fired.
Expect Russell Brand to start learning German any day now.

• IT’S an easy mistake to make which could have happened to the best of us – a short-sighted Austrian farmer set his house on fire after mistaking the fridge (cold) for the fireplace (warm).
Adolf Maier, 87, from Tyrol, had left the door of the fridge open so unsurprisingly found it a bit chilly. He probably should have smelt a rat as he placed wood on top of his milk and cheese.
Maier said: “I put firelighters and wood in what I thought was the usual place, and suddenly there was smoke everywhere. I thought it was cold when I lit the match – now I know why.”
In what was a busy week for Mr Maier, he also accepted a three-year contract as an FA Premier League referee.

• A MENTAL Montenegrin man amazingly survived a suicide bid after buying a coffin, climbing in and trying to shoot himself.
Milo Bogisic, 52, paid cash for the coffin and asked puzzled staff to wait while he wrote out his own obituary. Then he jumped into the casket and pulled the trigger before shocked undertakers could react. But medics managed to save him as the bullet passed through his chin and nose, missing his brain.
Somehow we doubt he’ll be getting a refund on that coffin.