IF like us you lie awake every night contemplating how much it would ruin your life to be married with a wailing, shitting, blood sucking baby in your midst then you’d probably be fairly reluctant to swap places with a man from the United Arab Emirates who has had 84 children – so far.
We suppose it’s fairly appropriate that his name is Daad.
The 60-year-old Muslim, Daad Mohammed, is believed to have fathered the biggest family in the world with 17 different wives.
And incredibly he still wants more children. 
The proud pensioner boasts that he has sex twice in the morning and seven times in the evening – 63 times a week.
Inevitably he added: “I don’t remember all the names of the kids actually but whenever I see the kid I do my best.”
The ruthless romper even divorces his wives when they are no longer fertile, saying: “I like having babies so I’m getting married as the Prophet Mohammed says.”
Daad is allowed four wives at any one time under the UAE’s polygamy rules but he complains that it just isn’t enough.
We couldn’t imagine anything worse than four moaning housewives. At least we’ve been assured by our regular girls in Kings Cross that a birth is unlikely and they have no desire to wed broke, desperate writers. Just in case, we’ll be visiting Denzil rather than Denise next Tuesday.
I’M sure, like us, you lie awake at night thinking about how anyone in those medieval suits of armour could ever even move let alone do anything productive, or take a shit for that matter.
Well it turns out we were right to be sceptical after a crackpot burglar was caught after falling over a suit of armour he’d made out of kitchen pans to protect himself from angry victims.
Bungling crook Ho Kan had stitched a saucepan lid to a shirt to protect his heart, he used a metal pot for a helmet, and a thick plastic chopping board to cover his groin. But house owner Ming Shi called police in Hangzhou, eastern China, after hearing the hapless criminal fall over his own potty protection suit with a huge clatter. He went downstairs to find a Chink in his armour. **
“He was wearing so many pots and pans we didn’t know whether to arrest him or ask him to cook us a meal,” said a police spokesman, who is surely a part-time comedian.
Ho must now carry the Kan for his actions with up to five years in jail for burglary. Wonder if the canteen needs reinforcements?
** Apologies for any offence caused – it was impossible to resist.
• IF like us you often wondered why fleeing thieves don’t just drop their trousers and moon their pursuers to confuse them, it seems like it may not be the foolproof tactic we’d hoped for.
A Chinese thief (the sub-human-scum element in that country really need to raise their game, don’t they?) was chased into a dead end after he stole a woman’s purse in Fuzhou city.
Shoppers and traders chased the thief into a cul-de-sac after the victim, Ms Wei, raised the alarm. “Just as we were about to catch up with him, he suddenly dropped his pants and flashed his butt towards us, shaking his waist,” said Ms Wei.
The shocked pursuers didn’t know what to do – for about half a second – before one man stepped forward, grabbed the thief and told him to pull up his pants.
The criminal told police he came up with the escape plan when he realised many of his pursuers were women.
“I thought that if they covered their eyes out of modesty, I could then grab the opportunity to escape,” he said.
At least you have to admire this chancer’s cheek.
• IF like us your only trips to the kitchen involve boiling the kettle for a 
Pot Noodle and pissing in the sink when a floater has blocked the upstairs bog, you’ll find it hard to relate to a careless Kiwi who nearly cut his hand off while chopping meat – providing major difficulties for stressed surgeons because he had earlier almost cut off the same arm in another ‘accident’.
The previous incident hindered the attempts to reattach Bryan Speers’ partially severed hand at Waikato Hospital.
“I was chopping meat and then saw my hand flapping around. I just grabbed it and walked to the office swearing my head off. I really thought I was going to die,” he said.
Dr Katerina Anesti said: “He had nearly cut off the same arm before. The scarring made it difficult to know what was what.”
Although this time it was armless, it may be a shrewd move to put the kitchen lights on in future.
• IF like us you have acquired a Pete Doherty-esque addiction to Solo since landing Down Under you’d have sympathy for the Florida man harshly charged with wasting police time after calling 911 to complain Burger King had run out of lemonade.
Police say Jean Fortune, 66, dialled the emergency number because he was “unhappy with his order”.
But instead of assisting the man with his life and death crisis, when cops arrived at BK in Boynton Beach, Mr (Mis) Fortune was charged and issued with a notice to appear in court.
The cashier said she informed him at the drive-through that the store no longer served lemonade. When he inevitably became angry and threatened to call cops the cashier said “go ahead”.
Burger King no longer serves lemonade? What has happened to the world? Not much else can go wrong. If pubs stop serving beer and brothels stop serving sex we may as well call it a day.
