IN such a power crazed world BBM goes to any length to remain one step ahead of the competition. Our morning routine, for instance, is something like this: after downing a fresh glass of our warm urine we’re put through our paces with a series of squat thrusts, lunges and naked man wrestling with our personal trainer, Xavier. Our mind, body and soul positively fizzing, we head to the office feeling both confident and energized.


Imagine how pressured footballers are then into maintaining their fitness levels in a World Cup year. Look no further than Arsenal’s knacked Robin van Persie and Chelsea’s Frank Lampard, who are joining the likes of Fabio Aurelio, Vincent Kompany, Yossi Benayoun and Glenn Johnson in seeking the services of mysterious lunatic witch doctor Mariana Kovacevic.

Kovacevic, a Serbian pharmacologist-cum-physiotherapist, treats patients by either massaging their muscles with horse placenta or by injecting the fucking stuff right into the muscle tissue.

The treatment is alleged to hasten the recuperation time meaning, once she’s given the pandered footballers a lollypop and a smiley badge and sent them on their way, the likes of Johnson are fit to help Liverpool ship goals sooner rather than later.

Lampard and van Persie, both of whom have injuries that would normally keep them out of the game for weeks, reckon they’ll be back in no time at all.