SUE Barker grinning like a clueless bag lady, hours upon hours of previous final re-runs as it pisses it down over London, Cliff Richard.
All these things we willingly suffer just for the chance to hear Maria Sharapova grunting erotically for a few minutes as her little skirt flits up when she serves. Let’s just hope she goes all the way this year.
Anyhoo, after blatantly failing to learn anything from the last 15 years, the Great British public are once again unwisely raising their expectation levels ahead of this year’s championships thanks to miserable tartan twat Andy Murray.
Naturally, he will be promoted from ‘Scottish loser’ to ‘British Lion’ in these fickle pages should he actually win the thing but we can think of two reasons why he won’t.
We’ll give you a clue as to what they are – he’s number three in the world rankings.
His eventual defeat to Nadal or Federer aside, Murray has been in decent form heading into Wimbledon, which officially kicks off tomorrow (Monday, June 22nd).
He’s just back from France following his best ever performance on clay and became the first British player to win the Aegon Championships at Queen’s in over 70 years this week.
For those of you starting to ‘believe’ we say again – Nadal and Federer.
He’s not winning anything soon other than a curliest haired git competition.
Our favourite Wimbledon moments
5. IMAGINE Ana Ivanovic in a catsuit.
Back from the toilet? Good because, unfortunately, it’s not one of those cat suits with ears and a swishy black tail were talking about.
Instead imagine a sexless white full-length catsuit that leaves you looking like an androgynous racket-wielding space alien.
God knows what Anna White was thinking when she turned out in the bloody thing for her first round match in 1985.
Luckily, her match was postponed for fading light after two sets and the authorities, realising that the only reason blokes watch women’s tennis is because there’s a chance of spotting some knicker action underneath those short frilly skirts, found an excuse to ban the outfit.
4. TALKING of knickers… “Gorgeous” Gussie Moran caused a scandal at the 1949 tournament when she stretched the dress code to the limit by sporting clearly visible frilly knickers beneath her skirt.
The stunt shocked those present, with no less than 50 monocles popping out of the faces of ‘stuffy old major’ types to the sound of a comedy spring while their wives fainted with the back of their hand on their forehead.
Photographers fought with each other for areas where they could lie flat on the ground to catch the most risque shots of Gussie’s powerhouse serve.
How times have changed eh? When we try and take pictures up women’s skirts we get called a pervert and chased out of the neighbourhood.
3. AHH Tiger Tim. You gave us so many memories, almost all of them about you bottling it whenever you got within whiffing distance of the final.
But there was one moment when you truly shone like a star in our eyes.
For nothing puts a man higher in BBM’s estimations than swinging your balls as hard as you can into a young girls face.
It’s even better if you can catch the magical moment on camera – as happened when Tim was booted out of the men’s doubles competition for inadvertently smashing a ball at a ball girl’s head during a moment of frustration in his 1995 match alongside Jeremy Bates. Comedy gold.
2. It’s common knowledge that all female tennis players are either lesbians or fit young women who we imagine are lesbians. Well in 1921 it was the blokes turn with the gayest men’s final in history being played between alleged lovers Brian Tilden, from America, and his young protégé Brian ‘Babe’ Norton of South Africa. Tilden won 4-6, 1-6, 6-1, 6-0, 7-5 in the end but it’s been long been assumed that Norton ‘threw’ the second and third sets because he couldn’t bring himself to beat the bloke he was shagging.
“I have known several conniseurs who were present,” said tennis historian, Ted Tinling. “and all accepted the fact that a psychological, probably homosexual, relationship affected the result.”
We said something similar about Rob Styles and Alex Ferguson once.
1. There’s only one thing more embarrassing for a man than being beaten by a girl – getting a girl to beat someone else for you.
American knobhead Jeff Tarango blew his top after a series of disputed line calls in his 1995 match against Alexander Mronz before storming off in a huff and yelling ‘you are the most corrupt official. I’m not playing any more,’ at umpire Bruno Rebeuh.
With the game defaulted, Bruno went to leave the court and was duly slapped by Jeff’s waiting wife Benedicte. Sounds like you got yourself a classy piece there Jeff.
• WHEN Wimbledon’s Centre Court was first built, it caused outrage with environmental groups as the site was directly on top of Britain’s last natural breeding ground for wombles. The subsequent popularity of the tournament effectively proved a death warrant for the litter-loving rodents who, with no natural habitat to thrive in, were driven to extinction. The last womble died in captivity at Twycross Zoo in 1983.
• AFTER the 2004 women’s singles final, Maria Sharapova celebrated her title win over Venus Williams by having vigorous lesbian sex in the showers with Ana Ivanovic. They had strap ons and everything.
• HENMAN’S Hill is not actually named after Britain’s biggest bottler Tim Henman. In fact, the first reference to the nicknamed knoll can be traced back to the late 17th century when a local hermit famous for buggering chickens took residence nearby.
The hill is believed to have formed from the many piles of chicken carcasses the ‘hen man’ tossed away after performing his debased acts of sexual gratification.
• 2006 women’s champion Amelie Mauresmo is a man. Just look at her.