Footballer’s aren’t usually the most imaginative sorts when it comes to penning their own literature. A quick look at the titles of some of the more popular Premier League autobiographies proves our point – “Keane” by Roy Keane, “Carra” by Jamie Carragher, “Gazza” by… you get the point. But our interest was piqued last month by the latest literary effort by Dietmar Hamann. For starters, it’s called “The Didi Man” – which presumably isn’t a reference to his performance in the post-match showers. And secondly, it turns out the veteran workhorse is a bit of a loon with some very strange recollections of his professional career.
For instance, he seems to think Sven-Goran Eriksson is James Bond.
“One morning when I was on a sun lounger by the pool, he [Sven] walked towards me with a bottle of champagne and two glasses on it. It was still only 10 in the morning. I looked up and said, ‘Boss, what are we celebrating?’ expecting him to make the triumphant announcement he was staying.
“He turned to me and smiled that gentle smile of his and took the air of a Buddhist philosopher, as he said, ‘Life, Kaiser. We are celebrating life’. With a glass of champagne in hand he stood and looked out towards the horizon, then spoke in that higgledy-piggledy Swedish accent: ‘You know Kaiser, I like this place. I think I will manage for another five years and come back here and live with two women. Yes. I think I need two beautiful women’.”
It is unclear if the pair then made love while ‘Diamonds are Forever’ played in the background.
Hamann also had a teensy-weensy bit of a gambling problem… and by teensy-weensy bit we mean bloody massive.
“That night I bought Australia for £2,800 at 340 runs. That meant for every run over 340 you win £2,800, but for every run under you lose the same amount. Australia collapsed for 237. It is a score I remember well. It cost me £288,400.”
Which is why Germans shouldn’t bet on a sport they have absolutely no knowledge of.
