Anyone who’s been at a BNP rally, or been forced to speak to a London cabby, has probably heard the line: “Now I’m no racist but they come over here, take our jobs and don’t even bother to learn the language.”
And now it seems Sunderland’s favourite footballing fascist, Paulo Di Canio, has paid the price for taking those words to heart. Di Canio, who’s so right wing he makes Antonio Valencia look like a central midfielder, was booted as Sunderland boss last month, no great surprise there, but it seems his exit wasn’t so much because the club was rooted to the foot of the table after a shocking set of results – but because he’s a maniac who kept demanding the players stick to an increasingly bizarre set of rules. The last of those rules was demanding that foreign players learn five new English words every day or face a hefty fine.
“The players that have come here from abroad, they chose to come here, they must learn English,” he sich-heiled.
Di “Mein Kampf” Canio had already taken control of the lives of most players within his squad, previously banning them from eating tomato ketchup, drinking cola, using ice in their drinks and preparing kosher food. OK we made that last one up but we’re sure it would’ve been next on his list.
“It’s driving me crazy,” said Di Canio. “Every single training session I spend five minutes on this [vocabulary]. Every session you can see that everything is going OK, then when we practise something, there’s a misunderstanding. A British player says: ‘You squeeze up,’ and the French player or the Italian can’t understand. I stop the session. I tell them to learn five key words that are for the back four – squeeze up, cover, drop, hold.”
Funnily enough, those are the simple phrases we use in Bangkok when we end up with a ladyboy.
“You have to fight with these things every day,” Di Canio continued blathering. “But squeeze is difficult. ‘Forget squeeze,’ I say. ‘Just use ‘up’. Don’t use squeeze, it’s difficult, up is enough. I have had training sessions for two months, still I see players getting confused.”
Have you seen the England team Paulo? They always look confused and they all speak English. We suspect the actual problem might be the team is made up of Premier League footballers – who are all inherently thick.
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