BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…


A protracted legal battle over naming rights between star sign Scorpio and German rock veterans The Scorpions finally comes to an end with a settlement out of court. As part of the deal, all people born under the Scorpio sign are legally required to wear promotional Scorpions T-shirts on weekends. Also, every November 9th, you have to whistle the start of ‘Wind of Change’ to mark the fall of the Berlin Wall.


Prompted by the success of The Scorpions in their zodiac based legal battle (see above), 90s twin-themed boy band Gemini also attempt to initiate a similar naming rights dispute in court, hoping to kick-start a career that stalled after their first hit ‘Even Though You Broke My Heart’ failed to bother the charts. Thankfully, they are laughed out of court by the judge who says he’s never heard of them. But the laughter stops when the desperate duo threaten to release a new single if their demands are not met. Only time will tell if they are serious about carrying out this atrocity.


A serious blow to the head leaves you only able to communicate through the medium of interpretive dance. After being released from hospital, it takes 10 minutes of flailing your arms and hips around to the sound of Enya’s Orinoco Flow to order a coffee. It takes a further five minutes of pirouettes and frowning to answer the question “Do you want milk?”


Despite the sniggers and derogatory comments from your mates, you decide to spend $10,000 doing an acoustic version of Taylor Swift’s mega hit album 1989. When someone tells you that Ryan Adams has already done one, to widespread critical acclaim, you have a rethink. A week later, you release your acoustic version of ‘It’s Chico Time’ by X Factor also-ran Chico. There’s 10 grand you’ll never see again.


It might be time to check if you need a prescription for your eyesight. This month, for example, instead of signing up for Movember, you accidentally register for Blow-vember, a charity event where people donate $50 to a charity of your choice if you give them a blowjob. Never one to shy away from a good cause, you manage to raise $350 – plus $7.50 in tips.


As Cher once crooned on her 80s hit ‘Turn Back Time’: “Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes”. Be sure to remind your friends of this sage piece of advice when you get your haircut at that $10 barber this month. You’ll wish you had alopecia.


After a debauched night out in the city, you wake up to find you’ve been stranded in a NASA space station on Mars, 34million miles away from civilisation. Amazingly you manage to survive for a full year on the Red Planet by using your own poo to grow vegetables. You even manage to wire up a transmitter so that it picks up radio signals from Earth. When you realise you can only get Triple M, however, thoughts turn to taking your own life.


After 12-hours straight of being physically and verbally abused by your partner, your body bruised and broken from repeated beatings, you finally remember the safety word. Next time make it something easier to remember.


Another year older, eh? What happened to those once youthful features of yours? Now you just look like a four-monthold apple with a face drawn on it. You smell as bad too.


You wake up one day to find you’ve switched bodies with former East 17 bad boy Brian Harvey. You spend the next few weeks rambling incoherently about the music business, snorting cocaine and eating jacket potatoes while running over yourself in your own car.


After a couple of weeks of letting your personal hygiene slip, you’re surprised to see strangers giving you winks and telling you to “keep it up”. Eventually you realise it’s because they think your facial hair is part of the Movember challenge. Funny if you’re a bloke, not so funny if you’re a woman.


After reading this horoscope, you come to the realisation that reading horoscopes is a waste of time. And so the paradox begins.