Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-cum-psychic knows best when it comes to problems…
Dear Crystal,
I’m a man in my early 30s. I play football, love my girlfriend and enjoy a drink or two with my mates down the pub of a weekend. For all intents and purposes, I’m a perfectly normal member of society. But I hold a terrifying dark secret that, if revealed, I fear will lead to me being ridiculed and shunned by my friends and family. For you see Crystal, to my eternal shame, I just don’t get what all the fuss is about with the new Star Wars film. Friends, co-workers, and pretty much everyone I know seems to talk about it as though it’s the second coming. And sure I enjoyed the original Star Wars trilogy as much as the next lad. But when I hear people talking about how excited they are, and how websites are crashing because of the demand for tickets, I just feel dead inside. It wouldn’t surprise me if some of my mates had actually masturbated over that new trailer. I’ll see the film at some stage, but frankly I’m more interested in seeing the new Coen Brothers movie instead. Am I a freak?
Yours,
Johnny
Dear Johnny,
No you’re not a freak, you just have a longer memory than some of your friends, who probably got just as excited before the Phantom Menace came out and almost nuked the whole franchise. I’m sure it won’t be “that” shit – but it’s not going to be as good as the originals either. How could it be, half the appeal is the nostalgia. Also, this is JJ Abrams in the director’s chair. Does anyone actually remember anything about the last Star Trek movie, apart from the fact Sherlock Holmes was in it? The other reason you’re not excited is because you’re no longer a 12-year-old, which is the only age someone should be this excited about a movie. Well done. If you really want to impress your friends, here’s a little bit of Star Wars trivia no one knows. George Lucas got the idea for Chewbacca after going down on me round the back of the trash compacter set back in the ’70s. That’s where the phrase “growler” comes from.

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