BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…

Aquarius

What to get that special someone for Valentine’s Day? A bunch of roses perhaps? Jewellery even? Well someone certainly goes out of their way to make sure you get a surprise this February 14, when you open your mail box to find someone has posted human excrement in there. Even worse, it comes with a note saying it was delivered by Moonpig.

Sagittarius

You become possessed by the spirit of music genius and pop legend David Bowie. Unfortunately, you only get possessed by his “Goblin King” persona from the movie Labyrinth and spend the next month pacing about in a ridiculous blonde wig and an unflattering leather codpiece mumbling gibberish about the power of voodoo and telling random women that they remind you of “the babe with the power”.

Gemini

There’s outrage at this year’s Oscars over the lack of Geminis nominated in the main categories, leading to accusations of Geminism against the Academy. Host Chris Rock, who is also a Gemini, pokes fun at the disparity during the ceremony, making a series of controversial jokes about how Gemini people are different from Taurus people.

Capricorn

Climate scientists reveal troubling new research which shows that increasing sea levels mean large areas of Capricorn will be completely submerged by the year 2025. By 2030, all that will be left is the letters Capcon. The news strains tensions between Capricornians and the “big four” carbon producers – Leo, Taurus, China and Donald Trump.

Aries

You rent out a DVD of Straight Outta Compton but it’s scratched and the last 10 minutes won’t play. You spend the rest of your life wondering what happened to Dr Dre and Ice Cube after they left NWA.

Cancer

You are invited onto long-running British music quiz show “Never Mind the Buzzcocks” as a lookalike for a member of Steps in the ‘guess the celeb’ round. Unfortunately, just before the show, all the members of Steps are convicted for crimes against music and sentenced to be injected with hepatitis C. As the police can’t differentiate the lookalikes from the real thing, they decide to infect all of you.

Pisces

As a romantic gesture for Valentine’s Day, you get in touch with Gary Barlow’s management to see if he’ll help you write a ballad for that certain special someone. His agent tells you to piss off so instead you try Howard Donald, who’s happy for the work. The resulting collaboration is so awful, the Supreme Court sentences both of you to be injected with hepatitis C for crimes against music.

Libra

After four years, 136 days and 19 hours, you finally laugh at a joke on Mrs Brown’s Boys. You’re heavily drunk at the time.

Taurus

You decide to form your own “gangster rap” band with your good friends Tim, Steve, Caroline, and that nice couple you met on a wine tour in the Hunter Valley. Your first album, Straight Outta Mosman, is so badly received that a judge orders that each band member be injected with hepatitis C as punishment.

Leo

Your face is hideously mangled in a freak accident involving a motorbike courier and a crate of deranged bonobo apes. After months of painful plastic surgery, the doctor removes your bandages to reveal you look exactly like Geordie TV hardman turned singer Jimmy Nail. The rest of your life is spent earning a pittance at tribute shows, playing various clubs and pubs around Australia, most of which have never even heard of Jimmy Nail.

Virgo

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper-thin? Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine. Just own the night like the fourth of July. ‘Cause, baby, you’re a firework. Come on, show ‘em what you’re worth. Make ‘em go, “Aah, aah, aah”. As you shoot across the sky-y-y.

Scorpio

You are randomly contacted by the agent of 90s popster and ‘Dreams’ singer Gabrielle, who is apparently keen to collaborate with you on a song for her comeback album. The cyclopean songstress wants you to provide harmonies on an acapella version of the ‘Crazy Frog’ song to celebrate 10 years since its release. The song proves so unpopular that a judge orders that both of you be injected with hepatitis C – an increasingly common court ruling on crimes against music.