HE fickle world of Formula One eh?
Only a few months ago we were all praising Lewis Hamilton for his maiden championship win while secretly masturbating over his Pussycat Doll girlfriend.

Now he’s Britain’s yesterday’s man, replaced by a forgotten man – who is currently man of the moment – after yet another Grand Prix win at the weekend.
Yes Jenson Button is in pole position in the Driver’s Championship heading to Monaco this weekend (May 21-24) after a stirring victory in Spain.
That makes it four wins from five for Jenson (pictured) although whoever said the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, clearly didn’t see the storm clouds beginning to gather over Team Brawn.
Button’s race mate Rubens Barrichello, currently 14 points behind in the Championship, threw a bit of a hissy fit after missing out on victory.
The Brazilian, who took the lead from the first corner, said if there was any favouritism towards a driver at Brawn he would “hang up his helmet” – which is a term we haven’t heard since that hazy night on Oxford Street. We still can’t sit down without wincing.

• MUNSTER flanker Alan Quinlan will miss the British and Irish Lions tour of South Africa this summer after being banned for 12 weeks.
The sore loser was found guilty of making contact with the ocular area of Leinster captain Leo Cullen in the teams’ Heineken Cup semi-final clash. In other words, he tried to gouge his eye. Nice.

• FERRARI have had a piss and moan this week over the FIA’s plans to introduce an optional $80m budget cap into the sport, claiming that it will result in a two-tier championship.
“If the regulations for 2010 will not change, then Ferrari does not intend to enter cars in the next Formula 1 world championship,” said a Ferrari statement, scrawled in Castor oil.
The Italian team is greatly troubled that this could result in one team being faster than another, which *recoil* could lead to overtaking.
Overtaking is expressly forbidden in formula one as it could lead to excitement and audience stimulation. Driving round and round in order is the status quo.
F1 teams are set to discuss the proposal with FIA chief Max Mosley next week. Not sure on what day though – there are some problem’s freeing up space in Mosley schedule, which is mostly taken up with sadomasochistic play.

FORMER world number one Maria Sharapova has confirmed she will return to singles action for the first time in 10 months at the Warsaw Open on Monday (May 18th).
We know it’s not very interesting but we haven’t used her picture for almost a year and we’re desperate for an excuse.

• WATCHING the Australian Tennis Open earlier in the year, we were struck by two things: that Pat Cash is an insufferable git and that there was quite a big fuss being made about Jelena Dokic’s return to Australian tennis.
At the time we weren’t quite sure what the fuss was about. This next story has clarified things a bit.
Her dad, it seems, is an absolute wacko. After hearing that Jelena told a newspaper that he allegedly physically assaulted her, he threatened to blow up the Australian embassy in Belgrade.
“In my house I have an arsenal of weapons. I have permits for all of them. I don’t have a grenade launcher, but it would not be much of a problem to manufacture one.
“If I click my fingers there are many who would place a grenade launcher on my front step.
“I expect that after my threat the local police will react, arrest me and confiscate my weapons. But that would only increase the danger for the ambassador,” he said, speaking to Blic magazine. Freak!

• RICKY Hatton has still not decided whether he will continue boxing or retire.
Hatton was battered inside two rounds by Manny Pacquiao as he lost his IBO light-welterweight world title in Las Vegas.
He said: “I need to spend time with the family and don’t want to make any hasty decisions when I’m not in the right frame of mind.”
True Ricky. The fact that you’re thinking about fighting again proves you’re still not right in the