Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-come-psychic knows best when it comes to problems …

Dear Crystal,

I’m in serious trouble and can’t think of anyone else to turn to. The other night I was woken by a noise coming from the bathroom. Temporarily forgetting that I live with my girlfriend, with whom I have a volatile relationship, I did what any other rational human being would do in the situation – I grabbed a revolver and started firing indiscriminately at the bathroom door on the off-chance there was a burglar in there. Horror of horrors, it turned out it was actually my girlfriend making the noises and my gun blasts had proved fatal. Worse still, when I explained the situation to the police, they didn’t believe me! Now I’m facing murder charges, yet I’m guilty of nothing more than trying to protect my toilet through the use of lethal force.
Please help.

Yours Joshua

Dear Joshua

Hmm, that is a tricky situation. My advice is to hack your own legs off and hope the jury feels so sad at the sight of you hopping around on your stumps and crying about the love of your life that they’ll let you off. Much like your explanation, it probably sounds utterly fabricated and ridiculous, but it’s got to be worth a shot right?

Dear Crystal,

I’ve been writing a Christmas song about a magical snowman who takes a young boy on an amazing journey after springing to life on Christmas Eve. The snowman loves masturbating with his carrot cock, and his festive jizz brings forth Christmas cheer wherever it lands. The thing is, I can’t get any interest from the record companies, but I know you’ve got a lot of contacts in the industry from the time you famously gave syphilis to the Rolling Stones and all their backstage crew.
Do you think
you can help?

Yours Jonny

Dear Jonny,

Ha, those were wild times with Mick, Keith and the rest of the boys. I can remember it like it was yesterday, but it was actually in 2012. I don’t think Keith ever did get himself cleaned up down there. Anyway, I’d love to help Jonny but I made a solemn vow never to get involved in the music biz again since I became “the other woman” in the Justin Bieber-Selena Gomez relationship saga – especially as I was “the other woman” in the Harry Styles-Taylor Swift saga too. Anyway, all this talk of young love cut short is making me depressed. I might see if Keith
fancies a quick shag to cheer me up.