Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Ask Crystal, our agony aunt-cum-psychic your love, work and home issues…

Dear Crystal,
There’s a girl at work who I’ve been a little bit obsessed with for years even though we’ve barely spoken. She doesn’t know I have her number, but I’ve tried ringing her for a date a few times. I’m quite shy though and always end up not saying anything, just breathing down the phone. I know she likes cocky bad boys too, so I don’t stand a chance. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago everyone at work went out for a big curry at Spice I Am and we sat next to each other. We ended up at her place having drunken sex and she passed out. For hours I watched her as she slept, but at about 6am I felt a familiar rumble in my stomach: I really needed a dump, so I snuck off to mine to relieve myself. When I saw her at work the next day, she assumed I was a “love em and leave em” bad boy and was even more desperate for me. She took me into the storage cupboard, gave me a lingering kiss and her number and told me I could have more of the same if I called her that night. I couldn’t wait. As soon as I got home I dialled her number – but then hung up as I realised she’d recognise my number as the heavy breather’s. After not calling her, she was even more determined to have me, and we ended up banging in the back of her Holden. The problem is, I love this girl, but I’m afraid if I start acting interested in her she’ll go off me. What should I do?
Yours, Tommy

Dear Tommy,
Are you nuts? Why on earth would you tell her how you feel? She’ll see you for the wet fish you are and drop you like a sack of crap. If you want my advice, start blanking her at work. Do that and you’ll be having a threeway with her and her sister by the end of the week.

Dear Crystal,
Do you know how to put together a Billy bookcase from Ikea? I haven’t got a bloody clue.
Yours, Robbie

Dear Robbie,
No one knows how to put together Ikea furniture properly. Stephen Hawking managed to unify the theories of general relativity and quantum gravity, but even he struggles with the instruction manual for an Ikea sofa bed.