BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very, very special way…

CAPRICORN

You are forced to choose sides as gang-related violence erupts on the streets of Australia’s major cities. Forget the Jets and the Sharks, in the wake of the Chinese New Year celebrations it’s the Goats versus the Sheep as revellers battle over which animal should take prominence for the next 12 months. As a Capricorn, there was only ever one option for you, and you spend the month burning sheep effigies, looting wool shops and taunting Derby County fans online. Your participation in the conflict comes to an end when a suicide sheep bomber takes out half of Goat HQ and leaves you in a coma. Talk about a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

LEO

You make the record books this week when a “perfect storm” of beans on toast, tiramisu and a particularly gassy six-pack of lager create the most explosive bowel movement on a toilet ever recorded. It’s so forceful that the ripples from the bowl cause a small tsunami off the coast of Fraser Island.

TAURUS

Your driver’s licence expires this month so you go to your local Roads and Maritime Services office to apply for a new one. It’s only after answering a third question about the teachings of the Koran that you realise you’re in the wrong building and are in the process of signing up as a recruit for the Islamic State. Too embarrassed to admit your mistake, you decide to go along with it and end up flying to Syria a couple of days later. You spend the rest of the month beheading infidels in Aleppo with a bloke from Newtown who just wanted to pay a parking fine.

SCORPIO

Tony Abbot makes another “captain’s call” policy to make science graduates work as personal chauffeurs for climate change sceptics for a year as part of their degree. It proves to be one cock-up too many for the budgie-smuggling, bird-brained PM who is promptly ousted as Liberal leader. Things take a twist however when, due to an administrative error, the Liberal Party votes you as its next leader – pipping Malcolm Turnbull by eight votes. You immediately begin work on your own captain’s call policy – the
introduction of “more hotties” to cabinet positions, regardless of their interest or background in politics. Amazingly, your appointment of Lara Bingle as minister for swimwear proves a massive hit with voters. Long may you reign.

CANCER

After getting more than 50 likes on Facebook for a post about your lunch, you are deemed more famous than most of the D-list celebrities on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. You are henceforth parachuted into the jungle to help Merv Hughes, that fat woman and Marcia Brady in the task of working out just who the hell Tyson Mayr is.

LIBRA

After two months of dancing around in clubs like an idiot with your mates, you come clean and admit that you think Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson is a load of crap.

LEO

You’re the one that I want. Ooo. Ooo. Ooo. Honey.

AQUARIUS

Another Mardi Gras, another opportunity lost for you to come out of the closet. Instead you spend 8th March crying on your girlfriend’s toilet while masturbating over an issue of Men’s Health magazine.

PISCES

You decide to switch star signs after learning that Cancerians get a loyalty card that gives them 5 per cent off at JB Hi-Fi and a free cinema ticket every Wednesday. The only downside is that Cancerians are notoriously right wing, so you have to pretend to be a neo- Nazi and deny the Holocaust.

GEMINI

You take a highly-paid job that requires you to construct half-a-dozen mannequins every day. Now you can tell everyone you’re making six figures.

SAGITTARIUS

March is a time for reflection. It’s a time to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Not because you need to change who you are and the direction you’re headed in, but because you’ve had a bit of chicken sandwich on your chin for over a week. Go take a shower you smelly tramp.

VIRGO

You’ve never even played the game before, but you get a call up from the England and Wales Cricket Board this month to play for England at the World Cup because that’s how crap the side is. Your average at the end of the tournament is 14.6 which, sadly, makes you one of the team’s best players.