Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-come-psychic knows best when it comes to problems involving women, work, and shitty shoes.
Dear Crystal,
I’ve got a song in my head that I can’t remember the name of for the life of me. All I remember is it was released in the mid-90s, was very catchy but didn’t do particularly well. It was a woman singer, and I think she might have been in another band. It goes “duh-duh duh-duh, durrrr-duh, durrrr-duh, duh-duh duh-duh, durrrr-duh, durrrr-duh”. I’ve tried humming it into Shazam but no joy. Any ideas what it might be?
Dear Bob,
It’s “I Know” by Dionne Farris, which reached No.41 in the UK singles charts in 1995. Farris is better known for her frequent guest-vocal appearances with hip-hop group Arrested Development, who were notable for the hits “Mr Wendal” and “People Everyday”.
Dear Dierdre,
My girlfriend insists on having her dog in the bedroom and he sniffs around us when we’re having sex. It’s a big problem for me. We were going at it the other day and he started humping my leg. Bloody horrible it was. We had a big argument about it but she’s a stubborn bugger and refuses to put him outside. I love her dearly, and she’s got a cracking rack, but having a pug sniffing my arse while I’m banging away really puts me off my stroke. What should I do?
Yours, Tom
Dear Tom,
Who are you calling Dierdre? Let me make this absolutely clear. I am NOT Dierdre from The Sun. That job should have been mine but the agony aunt bitch nipped in and stole it from me while I was busy giving head to Piers Morgan. Now I’m here at BBM giving advice to idiots who can’t even get my name right. Now if you ever, EVER, get my name mixed up with hers again, I will ram a kitchen knife so far up your arse it’ll dice your tonsils. Piss off!