BBM’s very own resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells your fortune for the month in her very very special way…

TAURUS
You’ve watched some pretty good movies this year. The Wolf of Wall Street was a compelling tale about hedonism and the inherent greed of consumerism. Matthew McConaughey’s performance blew you away in the emotionally-charged true-life tale Dallas Buyers Club, and you also enjoyed masturbating over Amy Adams’ tits in American Hustle. But you are still shocked when your favourite film of the year, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, fails to win Best Picture at the Oscars.

GEMINI
You’ve often told friends that one of your favourite past-times is just sitting back with a drink and people-watching. While technically true, few people realise you do it in the crawlspace above the ceiling in the ladies changing rooms at your local swimming pool.

PISCES
It’s been over three months since Fast and Furious star Paul Walker died, yet still you grieve in the only way you know how – by lighting a candle each day at your local church and weeping uncontrollably for an hour. When you’re spotted at the church ripping off your shirt and yelling “Why lord!? Take me instead!”, your friends decide to hold an intervention. After six hours of tears and tantrums, you finally relent and agree to go to church only every two days, and restrict your weeping to a maximum of 30 minutes.

AQUARIUS
Due to a hilarious set of coincidences and comic errors, your entire family is attacked and killed by a pack of wild wolves. A bit like in that film with Liam Neeson. Judd Apatow buys the rights to the story and the subsequent movie becomes a Hollywood smash success. The character based on you is played by Jackie Chan.

VIRGO
Your signature comedy move of shouting “fuckin ell!” in large crowds – inspired by the “King of The Sheep” episode in Father Ted – is hilarious on night’s out with your mates, but doesn’t go down well at your nephew’s christening. You are immediately stripped of godfather duties.

CANCER
Your attempts to create a “real-life” Pokemon by strapping a taser to the back of a hamster and sealing it inside a volleyball attracts the attention of animal welfare officers. It doesn’t help your case that when they knock on your door, you challenge them to a Pokemon dual and throw the volleyball at their feet, killing the hamster instantly.

ARIES
You are rightly ostracised by your friends for being too dumb. For example, you think “ostracised” means they want to turn you into an ostrich. You thick bastard.

LEO
You go on a date with the prudish, born-again Christian girl at work after she confides in you that she’s really into “S&M magazines”. Your interest quickly wanes, however, when she explains S&M stands for “Super” and “Magical”.

CAPRICORN
After five weeks trying to learn the guitar, you finally manage to play E minor. This instantly makes you a better musician than Miley Cyrus.

LIBRA
Sorry Libra I’m trying to do your horoscope but the mother-in-law is staying with us at the minute and she’s a massive distraction. “No love, I’ve got no idea where your colostomy bag is.”

SCORPIO
After many years together, you break-up with your partner when you realise they are one of those people who stop to look around when they get to the bottom of an escalator, forcing everyone behind them to stumble around as they try to get off. You made the right call.

SAGITARRIUS
Nothing of interest happens to you this month, which really pisses me off as it means I’m going to be short on my word count. You’d better be more bloody interesting next month or I’ll sue you for loss of earnings you tedious nonce.