Dear Crystal,

I DON’T know what’s wrong with me. I just feel tired all the time and have been suffering from fuzzy vision and pains and cramps in my pelvic region.My hair is even starting to fall out. I’m too scared to go to the doctors. What do you think could be wrong?

Amber, Cronulla

Dear Amber,

INDEED you are wise to ask me, the all-seeing, all-knowing Crystal, for the answer to your problem.
This is a tricky one but I am certain I know what is causing your ailments. Your vibrator is leaking.
This isn’t commonly known but inside most electrical vibrators is a substance called kryptonite. Occasionally this leaks out of dildos (especially the green ones) and travels through your body on an electrical current.
This can cause all sorts of problems. The symptoms should pass in about six months. That is, unless you have been sticking the vibrator in places I don’t recommend – then you’ve really screwed yourself.

Dear Crystal,

I’m not very experienced at sex and the other night me and my missus got jiggy with it for the first time.
I wore a condom but afterwards we were just mucking about and I came all over her… it went in her belly button.
Is there any chance she might now be pregnant?

Alex, Brisbane

Dear Alex,

NO, it is absolutely impossible.
The fact that you used a condom the first time you had sex means that you and your girlfriend will be protected against disease and unwanted pregnancy for the rest of your lives. You’re clearly an intelligent boy, and although there is a slight risk of catching syphilis from contact with the belly button, this is highly unlikely.Especially if you drank a glass of orange juice and wonder around in a tight jockstrap beforehand.