Dear Crystal,

 

I HATE going to bars and restaurants, as I cannot face using the urinal. Unfortunately, my little fella is a bit littler than the average little fella.

 

It does not affect my bedroom exploits, as my acne and beer gut normally prevent me from meeting girls anyway.

I am sick of always using the cubicles and getting smirks when I come out. What can I do?

Matt, Perth

 

 

Dear Matt,

 

OH DEAR, oh dear. Well Matt, you sound like a real catch. Did you come to Oz thinking that you might have more chance with Aussie girls than British ones? Ha!

 

Although you are a bit of a lost cause, the only thing left for you is to confront your fears.

 

The next time you go to a bar, stand in the middle of the dancefloor with your trousers and pants down and scream ‘THIS IS ME.’ People will respect you, and will forget about your size, especially any passing Aussie rules or rugby players.

 

I would probably advise against doing it on Sydney’s Oxford Street though.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

 

ALL the other girls in my houseshare make fun of me because I enjoy reading every now and then and don’t always want to go on their drink-until-you-puke bar crawls.

 

I like a night out as much as the next person but I sometimes find these nights out a bit vulgar and tasteless.

The other girls are turning on me. Any advice?

Rachel, Kings Cross

 

 

Dear Rachel,

 

I ONCE read a book and regretted it ever since. By the end, I could not care less whether the cat got out of the hat. < /span>

 

Squares like you make me sick. How are you going to meet the man or football team of your dreams if you are stuck with your head in a book?

 

Unless you start sleeping around pretty sharpish, you won’t have any stories to tell your friends – if you have any – when you get old.