Crystal is always here (except when she’s being a cougar about town, showing the young women of today how to grind up against the guys) to help answer your problems. Our agony aunt-come-psychic knows best when it comes to problems …

Dear Crystal,
There’s a girl at work I like but I’ve never worked up the courage to ask her out. I’m very shy and can’t even look her in the eye when we’re speaking, I just go red and look at my feet. I was behind her in a lift once and started smelling her hair but that’s as intimate as we’ve been – unless you count all the underwear I’ve stolen off her washing line. I spend most of my nights hiding in a bush behind her apartment trying to get a glimpse of her undressing before she goes to bed. I briefly saw her in a bra once, but my phone wasn’t strong enough to get a decent photo. It just came out as a pink blob. So my question is, can you recommend a decent camera so I can take secret photos of my co-worker through her bedroom window at night?
Yours Faithfully,
Jack

Dear Jack,
Well I’m no camera expert, but I remember I used a Canon EOS 1200D DSLR when I was trying to blackmail Richard Madeley after our torrid affair. I got all kinds of shots with him bending over while I had my strap-on on. In the end, I couldn’t sell him out. Every time I went round to his house to confront him, he’d just say “welcome back!” in his inimitable style and 10 minutes later we’d be back in his bedroom at it again.

Dear Crystal,
Why is Aussie TV so bad?
Yours,
Claire

Dear Claire,
Come on, that’s a bit harsh. OK so there are more reality cooking programs than you shake a wooden spoon at, and home renovation programs featuring DIY morons are all the rage, but just think of… actually no, you’re right, it’s shit.

Dear Crystal,
Who would win in a fight – Alan Sugar and Duncan Bannatyne from Dragons Den?
Sincerely,
Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,
“Sugar” Ray Leonard, Bobby “Sugar Slugger” Dimarco, Tyson “Sugarloaf” Frizell. All the best boxers have “sugar” as a nickname. If Duncan Bannatyne was here now he’d say: “And for that reason – I’m out.”