Dear Crystal,

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been fascinated by gorillas. There is something magical and exciting about these magnificent beasts, and I find their immense power combined with such great gentleness deeply erotic. In short, I wish to have sex with one of these gorgeous creatures, but I have no idea how to go about it. What should I do?

Yours, Jessica


Dear Jessica,

You really like to get your freak on don’t you girl? Well, you’re in luck. As it happens, I gave one of the keepers at Taronga Zoo a blow job behind the back of the giraffe enclosure once, so he owes me a favour. For a small fee, I’ll get him to let you in after hours. He will ask you to strip off then introduce you to the zoo’s mountain gorilla, called Blimbo. Once you’re inside his enclosure, Blimbo will run his huge leathery hands over your naked girlish body, his teasing fingers working their way inexorably down towards the womanly treasure. Now fully
aroused, Blimbo’s throbbing apehood will enter you again and again, the gorilla’s powerful thrusts – 10 times stronger than those of a man. You and your primate lover will simultaneously reach a shattering climax before both collapsing, on the straw of his pen. Failing that you can always try and wank off one of the chimps. Endless fun.


Dear Crystal,

My best mate recently asked me to be best man at his wedding and I really want to make sure his stag do is a night to remember, something no one’s done before. The problem is, I haven’t got a bloody clue how to go about it. The lads have told me they don’t care what we do so long as they get to see some tits. Any suggestions would be really welcome as I’m stumped.

Yours, Frankie


Dear Frankie,

It’s all going Crystal’s way today. Usually I’d just offer you my stripping services (ever seen a woman shoot baby kittens out of her fanny? Thought not) but, amazingly, I’ve got something even better. Just tell me the night of the stag do, and I can arrange it so that you get the run of Taronga Zoo for the entire night. Not only that, but as a climax, you’ll get to see a naive young woman with a bestiality obsession getting fucked by a gorilla. Now that’s a stag do.