Crystal is always here to give the best, most responsible solutions to your problems…
 
Dear Crystal,
I met a bloke on the internet a couple of months ago and we’ve fallen in love. He’s generous, caring and very good to my young son, whose dad is no longer on the scene. There’s just one problem – he has a harmless, but slightly unnerving, mental issue. He keeps talking about some sort of imaginary deity who created the world and lives somewhere called heaven. At first I thought he was joking, but the next day he brought home a book full of gibberish about some bloke being nailed to a cross for performing a few magic tricks. Trying to be polite, I told him I was more of a “Fifty Shades of Grey” kind of girl, but that only seemed to upset him. Then I found out that every Sunday morning he goes to this old, musty building to talk to this imaginary creation with other fuzzy-minded friends.
I’m wondering if I should urge him to get some professional help. I have a young child to take care of after all, I can’t leave him in the care of some nutter who believes in sky fairies.
Yours,
Mary
Dear Mary, 
I’m sorry to tell you this but this is actually quite a common mental illness that affects a lot of gullible people globally. In this instance, it sounds like a specific affliction psychologists refer to as “Christianity”. There are other variations – Islam, Judaism, Hinduism – but they all share the same basic delusion, that some sort of magical air creature governs over everything we do. The only cure is to try and use logic and reason to counter their bizarre theories. Sadly this rarely works.
 
Dear Crystal,
I met this girl on the internet about two months ago. She’s funny, smart, and has a lovely young son from a previous relationship. The problem is whenever the subject of religion comes up, she becomes an Atheist arsehole and looks down on me just because I’m a practicing Catholic. OK, I get it, a lot of the bits in the Bible are crazy and organised religion has been the reason for some major bloodbaths in the past, but that’s no reason to act like a condescending know-it-all prick every time she catches me on my way to church. What should I do?
Yours,
Barry
Dear Barry,
I’m afraid this is a fairly common affliction for atheists, with symptoms including smugness, pompousness and a general feeling that they’re “better” than everyone else. The only known cure is to introduce them to a vegan, the one group of people more smug than they are. Unfortunately, some times they then become vegan themselves. By that stage, it’s too late to save them and it’s only a matter of time before they complete their transformation into a hipster.