Photo of Crystal BallsDear Crystal,

I REALLY need advice – my heart is being torn in every direction.
Years ago the most gorgeous big-boobed girl used to baby-sit me and needless to say I was absolutely smitten. I couldn’t take my pervy little eyes off her or my lusty little mitts off myself.

Imagine my delight when I bumped into her in a bar recently and ended up fulfilling one of my all time fantasies by filling her full of my juices.
I have fallen back in love with her. However, my parents recently split and after a few drinks my dad told me part of the reason was that my mum had caught him in bed with the babysitter more than once, I’m torn. Help.
Dave, Tasmania

Dear Dave,

What an unfortunate love triangle. If you really love her you should try and stay with her but, on the other hand, would you be haunted by images of your father, showing her who’s the daddy and blasting her pert booty into orgasmic delight?

What if she thinks he is bigger and better than you? Imagine every time you kiss her you’re getting a faint taste of papa’s man meat.

Would you feel secure with their knowing glances? If so, your old man may be able to advise you how best to make her squeal. A good bit of family bonding could be a threesome with babysitter and father. Mum can clean up.

Dear Crystal,

I’M only 18 and have just arrived in Australia. I’m a virgin and don’t seem to have much luck with women. I was thinking of hiring a whore because I’m just so desperate to pop my cherry. Is this the best route for me?
Matt, Perth

Dear Matt,

I feel sorry for you, but also feel like pissing my pants because your predicament is so funny.

How the hell did you get to 18 without getting a shot of poontang?

A prostitute might be an option, but remember they are professionals and good at what they do, so if your first time is with a lady of the night it might leave you with ridiculously high expectations for your next time.

However, I’m past my best and will offer a half-price deal.