Aries
YOU tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don’t give a shit about anyone.
Most people hate you, but for some reason you couldn’t care less. You’re the type of person who would pull your pants down at a wedding and swing your bits around like a lasso.
Luck will lead you down the street screaming obscenities at random strangers until they jump you and beat you to a pulp.
Taurus
PANIC. Or at least flail your arms about. The future does not look good, rosy, happy or full of dancing pixies.
You won’t be feeling particularly lucky when you delve deep into your loved one’s most intimate parts and find maggots, crusty looking cheese and Texas barbecue flavoured Pringles round the edges. What on earth could they have been up to?
Gemini
ATTRACTION to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including (but not limited to) cartoon characters and clowns.
Love is like a sea full of sea turtles. Or at least, it should be. If you’ve not experienced this then it’s time to either look elsewhere or just look harder.
Cancer
COMMENTING on a nearby person’s “peaches” may not go down too well.
Avoid language with anything to do with sex or fruit during your lunch break. You may find you have to see out most of the day with only one eye to guide you.
Your luck will run out when you’re fired from your job for sexual harassment.
Of course they gave you all the signals but they were trying to tell you to fuck off and not asking whether you would like to fuck?
Leo
YOU have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive, but that’s about it as far as positives go.
You lie a great deal, make the same mistakes repeatedly because you’re stupid and everyone thinks you are an absolute arsehole.
You spend much of this week hunched over on your bed sucking your own cum through a straw because you’re desperate for a blow job and the dry spell has lasted more than four years.
If only you had your lower ribs removed like Prince.
Virgo
WHY not pick up the phone and yell into it wildly before dialling your required number?
You have recently received some equipment for which there was a manual. Please give this manual a quick read so as to avoid problems later.
Libra
A TAXI queue is a surprising place for love to strike this week. Of course, you’ll be parted without getting each others numbers or having any chance of meeting again as they just arrived on the train and don’t live anywhere near. Still, love can do that, can’t it?
That was your soulmate by the way. And you’ll never see them again. Enjoy the rest of your loveless existence.
Scorpio
REPETITION may annoy you today as someone close by tells you the same damned story over and over again.
Looking for a saviour is a commendable past-time, but ignoring your personal hygiene is a forfeit you really shouldn’t have made.
Sagittarius
PLEASE keep your eyes on the exits. Everything you think about yourself will be called into question this week.
And DO NOT eat that nine-day-old lasagne because you’ve spent all your money on booze, drugs and crayons.
Capricorn
YOU’RE weak at heart and must endeavour to become stronger by subjecting yourself to ritualistic torture.
Complete the sentence: “My day will be really shitty because my boss will find out that I surf the internet for ________ every half an hour.”
The mental problem you’re having may subside once you relax about things.
Aquarius
THE DEAD are unlikely to rise from their graves this week, but this shouldn’t deter you from starting your “Anti-Zombie” fan club.
You’ll also realise your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you just how fantastic you are. Unfortunately, this hasn’t occurred since 1991.
Pisces
SOMEONE close to you will brush your arm today in a way that will make you think that you’re “in there.”
However, what you may not see is that they have a cold and have just passed it your way via a wet hand.
True love is to show someone how ridiculous you can be when you let your guard down. Some people find that attractive.
Unfortunately you get on the wrong bus home, fall asleep and a lesbian picks your pockets for remaining shrapnel.
