Photo of Crystal BallsDear Crystal,
I HAVE an admission to make – I love dressing up in women’s clothing and take any chance I can get to put my girlfriend’s sexy underwear on.

The problem is she doesn’t know a thing and might hit the roof if she knew she what was going on. What should I do?
Anonymous, Brisbane

Dear Anonymous,

THIS is a common problem, but there really is nothing to fear.
I know everything there is to know about women and contrary to popular belief they can’t get enough of it when their men dress up in lace panties and little dresses.

I think you’ll find that if you bring the conversation up with your macho mates down the pub they will all admit to having their favourite pair of French knickers. In fact, why not suggest a dress-up dinner party with your pals and their wives. They will absolutely love it. Trust me.

Dear Crystal,

I MET a hot Dutch chick at a bus stop and, as I can speak Dutch, we started chatting.

We then went out on a couple of dates and she eventually succumbed to my charms and spread her legs.

At first it was great, but the last few weeks have been shite as she only puts out once a week and – due to her terrible English – makes me do absolutely everything for her.

I’m beginning to wonder if it’s all worth the hassle and all my mates are telling me to get rid.What do you reckon?
Paul, Perth

Dear Paul,

OH DEAR, you poor little thing. It sounds like she has mistaken you for a complete and utter sucker. If only she’d return the favour.

She is obviously using you to make her life easier and only giving you the odd shag to keep you sweet.

Well this can’t go on. Be a man and tell her straight that if she wants you to continue your role as an unpaid translator, she’s going to have to sweat for it.

Some translators we know get paid about $2,000 a week. So you are effectively paying that for one shag.

Me and my friend Edna will give you 400 shags for that. It’s time to teach the clog-wearing frigid bitch the value of a dollar.