IF you think top pro golfers are nerveless robots unable to feel the effects of pressure, you obviously weren’t watching the final round of the US Masters as the game’s great and good resembled old drunks hacking their way around the backyard with a set of old broomsticks. 
Ultimately, it was Argentinian Angel Cabrera who was the least shite and he added a fetching green jacket to his 2007 US Open victory – and in the process stopped doddering old git Kenny Perry, 48, becoming the oldest major winner ever.
Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods had made a spectacular early charge from seven shots back to threaten the leaders, but stumbled on the closing holes.
This pattern was copied by those who followed and Perry in particular lost the plot with more dodgy approaches than we made to Cheryl Cole on the infamous ‘night of broken glass’.
But Cabrera, Perry and Chad Campbell all finished 12-under and entered sudden death.
Campbell departed by missing from 4ft on the first play-off hole, but Cabrera emerged from behind a tree to hole from 7ft to stay alive and won with a par at the next after Perry – like his namesake Katy – stuck it in a bush.
World No69 Cabrera was the lowest ranked Masters champion since rankings began and finally took the trophy to Argentina, 41 years after fuckwit compatriot Roberto de Vicenzo won but was disqualified for signing for the wrong score.
No European finished in the top 16. Surprise sur-fucking-prise.
• TRIPLE Olympic sprint champion Usain Bolt (left) was forced into a hasty apology to the people of Jamaica after a few comments about marijuana use in his homeland were far too … well, honest for his own good.
Bolt, who earned gold medals and world records for 100m, 200m and 4x100m, said: “When you’re a child in Jamaica you learn how to roll a joint.”
The article caused a storm in Jamaica as some people were so outraged they even stubbed their joints out, before sitting back down and chowing down on Monster Munch and Curly Wurlys.
“I want to apologise to the Jamaican people if at any time it may have come across that all young people roll a joint. I would also like to urge the upcoming stars to stay away from any kind of drugs, as it is not of any value to them or the sport you participate in.”
Just imagine how fast this freak would run if he wasn’t stoned off his tits all the time.
• IF you heard some infantile screeching in the middle distance last week the chances are it was probably bolshy brat Lleyton Hewitt as he claimed his first title in over two years after downing household name Wayne ‘Who’ Odesnik 6-2 7-5 in the final of the US Men’s Clay Court Championships.
While all the world’s decent players were involved in Masters Series action, the moaning moron landed just 34 per cent of first serves during his first clay court final in a decade, but was still presented with the match by the World No100.
“This is what all the hard work is for, to play weeks like this and have this kind of feeling at the end,” said Hewitt after the meaningless win.
• Elsewhere, two other droughts were ended. Another former World No1 who is past it, Juan Carlos Ferrero, claimed his first title for more than five years by beating Florent Serra 6-4, 7-5 in Casablanca.
Jelena Jankovic ended her wait for a first title in 2009 by beating Spaniard Carla Suarez Navarro at the wonderfully named Andalucia Tennis Experience. The semi-shaggable Serb has slipped from World No1 to No4 in just three months but won a poor affair 6-3, 3-6, 6-3.
• WHEN will boxers learn? Another comeback was greeted with another arse whipping as Ronald ‘Winky’ Wright was taken to school by Paul Williams during a unanimous decision in Las Vegas.
We’d have given more coverage to the retirement announcement by legendary 10-time World Champion Oscar de la Hoya, but he’s a Yank who promotes his own fights. We don’t believe a word he says.
